I haven't felt up to much writing since my Abbie flew to be with Jesus. I know she is safe with Jesus, healthy and happy in paradise waiting for me. The moment I had to watch that needle go into her vein, when I knew she was going to let go, was the hardest second of my life thus far. Sometimes the right choice isn't the easiest one. I could have shouted to stop, I could have prolonged her suffering here on Earth for my own selfish needs...but I gave her that one last gift of peace and release...and told her to fly to Jesus, and to find my Aunt Eunice who shares my deep love of animals. I know time is not the same up in Heaven, so she isnt counting the minutes as I am until we are reunited once again.
I was unable to let go of her physical body for some time, as I studied her face, memorized each whisker on her muzzle, the curve of her nose, the feel of her soft fur....but I knew she was not really there, she was in perfect peace, able to breathe fully and completely, no struggling at all. She had entered the realm of perfect peace and love, as I was entering a deep black hole of sorrow...missing her beyond comprehension....the pain in my heart crushing and suffocating at the same time.
When my dear sweetness Abbie became an angel, my pain was so deep, I had to constantly push it down, or it would overwhelm me. I am slowly able to let some of it go, release the pain and the sorrow slowly over to the Creator - he will carry the load for me when I cannot. He is the only one who really knows and understands the depth and the sharpness of my pain...he made me and he made my Abbie, he knows all about our hearts and our connection. I do take comfort in this fact. He blessed me with the love of all his animals, and he gave me one of my truest and most beautiful treasured blessings in that little 16 pounds of fur and pure love. She taught me so much about what true and unconditional love really are...
I knew that Abbie would want me to go on and share our love with another homeless pet, to let that love and that joy back into my life when I felt able to do so. The best way to honor her memory and her love is to share that love with another dog that needs it and will expand our hearts and our experience even more. Abbie's love knows no limits, and she can love many many other family members, so I can do it too.
The emptyness was excruciating, the lack of paws clicking on the floor, no warm fur next to my leg, no sparkling eyes peering up at me, almost killed me those first few weeks after Abbie went to Jesus. I knew that I couldn't wait a long time before sharing our home with another sweet soul. I prayed for God and Abbie to bring me whomever needed me and whomever they knew I needed.
When I heard of a sweet girl that needed a home immediately, I went to investigate. I prayed a lot before for guidance and wisdom when meeting her. I felt Abbie was there and welcoming her into our hearts, so she came home with me. Ellie is sweet, cuddly, devoted and smart. She had just turned 4 and rings a bell on the door when she needs to go out. She slipped right into my heart and she lets me talk to her about Abbie and licks my tears when needed. She misses her former family who couldn't take care of her anymore as I mourn my Abbie. I told her right away that I needed her help to heal and she needed my help to heal and feel safe and sound in her new home. We can help each other. I have patience with her fears as she does with my slowly letting Abbie's memory settle into my heart, and coming to terms with our separation until we are reunited someday.
I know Abbie approves of letting more love and more joy into my heart...I know that is what she wants for me. I do find it harder to completely give my heart away, to totally open up and lay my soul bear again to Ellie, as I know the devastation of the pain when she has to leave me. I have to work at letting her completely into my heart, as I did very easily and freely with Abbie. I cannot let my fear of pain keep me from experiencing that true love and true bond with Ellie. But it does not come as easily this time around. One of life's many lessons and just another scar on my heart that I must incorporate into my being.
You can only experience great, momentous, extraordinary LOVE if you also risk the devastating, crushing, horrific pain of LOSS and SORROW. You can't have one without the other. If you love with your whole heart, you also hurt with your whole heart. Some people close that off, the pain is much too great to bear, much too much to risk feeling again, but that is no way to live. To truly live one must risk - one must experience all possible joys and love to the fullest!! Abbie taught me this...among many other things....
My dear sweet Abbie is happy and healthy, free and joyous now in Heaven. I have absolutely NO DOUBT of that. God told me himself, so I don't have to worry. I picture her running and playing, getting to know my cat Cassie, my Aunt Eunice hugging her for me, as well as my Uncle Terry who recently joined them. I try to only remember the love, the snuggles and all the countless wonderful warm memories she shared with me. I am unable to work in her photo album yet, my heart can't take it now, but I have all of her pictures and mementos in a pretty little box, waiting for the day when I can open them up and sift through them happily and without tears. For now, I hold her heart inside mine and I carry her with me wherever I go...
My beloved nephews are the light of my life, as is my husband and dog.
