How come it takes two to plant and grow a friendship but it only takes one to let it die?
How come it takes two for an embrace but it only takes one to let go?
How come it takes two to start a marriage but it only takes one to file for divorce?
How come it takes two to make "us", but it only takes one to leave and make it just "me"?
Love isn't forever. We tell each other I love you forever, but it should really say I love you until we grow apart and move on. Its not either of us at fault, its just how life moves and flows and you might not fit in with my life. I will love you until we stop calling each other and we get involved with other friends and our lives don't intersect anymore, then I won't really love you much anymore. I will love you until I replace you and someone else can make me feel like you used to.
This could be in a romantic relationship or a deep friendship. I've been reflecting a lot lately on the later. We were inseparable, we cried together, we shared a life. We were so happy when we could schedule classes together. I'd never bared my true soul to another in the way I poured it all out to her. I felt like I'd found someone who actually understood how I felt and felt much the same way. I used to rush home from class to spend all my free time with her. We could talk about anything and we sure did. We did everything together, we were like one person...we planned how we would live next to each other when we left college...now she doesn't even send me a return Christmas card....I only know she's still alive because of a few posts on Facebook. We used to share ONE life, now we don't even know what each other is doing, feeling, or thinking. I quickly found out when we left for our prospective new lives, she didn't plan on including me in hers. Un-returned phone calls, not many emails, no visits, nothing. It took two of us to build this beautiful friendship, but it only takes one to let it die...I can't hold it all together from one side.
Another really special friend I had used to tell me we would be friends forever, and she basically kept me alive while in high school, but after she and her husband moved to another state, I guess she wanted to leave me behind as well. I used to make sure and see her every time I came home from college and we'd pick up like we'd never been apart. She was like a mother/mentor to me since I met her in HS. She got me through a very dark time...with her hugs, her laughter, her strength and faith in God. I always wondered "How would she respond to this or would she think this was a good idea?" When I met James, my husband, he had to pass her test first. I would have defied most everyone else, but not her. If she thought he was bad news, it would have been over. She was in my wedding, she was a huge part of my life in HS and into college. We exchanged emails every day and visited every change I got to come see her. She even came to visit me in my dorm. But after I wed and she moved, the emails trailed off, the visits were never and I haven't heard her voice in years. I guess it only took one of us to let the relationship whither to dust.
Both of these incredible women were a major part of my life and helped to mold me into the person I have become. Without them, I would probably be dead or at least have given up a long time ago. I know we need to continue on and realize that not everyone is meant for a lifetime journey with us, but I HATE IT!! I want to be in their lives forever and they in mine, but apparently promises aren't always kept, relationships aren't always forever and love doesn't always stay.
Why does it take two to tango but it only takes one to stop the dance?
Why does it take two to sing a duet but it only takes one to make it a solo?
Why does it take two to make a promise but it only takes one to break it?
Neither woman will ever read this blog because they aren't in my life to even know I wrote it. Perhaps one day when we all get to heaven I can understand why such important relationships have to change and go away...why we can literally depend on someone one day and barely know them the next?
I wonder if anyone views me as the one to let it die?
My beloved nephews are the light of my life, as is my husband and dog.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Animals ARE in Heaven
"Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. Praise ye the Lord." Psalm 150:6
Hmmm....all animals have breath, therefore animals praise the Lord. So, they can praise the Lord but not enter Heaven with him? That's ridiculous.
"And all flesh shall see the salvation of God" Luke 3:6
All flesh...all animals. Salvation is Heaven. Salvation means: the act of saving from harm or loss; redemption - thank you Websters dictionary.
Won't the new Heaven and the new Earth be just like the Garden of Eden? Were there not animals there? He says "the lion shall lie down with the lamb..." how can that happen if there are no animals?
"The wolf and the lamb will feed together, the lion will eat straw like the ox" Isaiah 65:25. How can that happen in the new Heaven if animals are not there do so?
I've heard "animals don't have souls." How do you know? Show me where in the bible it says either animals do NOT have souls or animals will NOT be in Heaven. You can't. Who are we to LIMIT God and his vast expanse of love and his kingdom? Perhaps they don't have the same kind of soul that we do, but does that mean they don't have one at all? Who are you to say so? Just because they cannot speak English, we know what they think? Will there not be trees and streets of gold and castles in Heaven - they don't have souls...yet they are talked about in Heaven....GOD MADE the animals....everything he made is GOOD and PRECIOUS. Why would he not want them in Heaven with him?
I've heard "animals can't confess their sin and ask for forgiveness like we must do." How do you know?? Who are you to say Fido doesn't talk to God every day just like you do? How are we to know what kind of communication animals have with their creator? Who are we to limit that ability? Who are you to say that Fido does NOT have conversations with his creator? Perhaps they have their own set of 10 commandments that we don't even have a clue about and their own bible written in their language? Who are we to limit their spirituality?
Who among us has not had the supreme honor of being loved and cared for by an animal? Who can love an animal and not know that they know what pure and true love really is? They would lay down their lives for us in a blink of an eye, they are there for us unconditionally and despite how badly they are treated. Why would God allow us to connect so intimately and bond so tightly with animals to deny us eternal glory with them in Heaven? I cannot even imagine a possibility that a loving and just God would not include his animals in his perfect Heaven. I have prayed and talked to God many times in my life about if animals are in Heaven. I believe with my entire heart, just as strongly as I believe in God himself, that animals DO GO TO HEAVEN. I know with confidence my Abbie is there waiting for me. I know that Jesus welcomed her home and told her she took wonderful care of me and accomplished her job here on Earth very very well.
I know others will continue to argue against it, but why? Why do you so want animals excluded in Heaven?? Why would this be a bad thing to believe in? Why would you not want all of God's perfect creation in Heaven with us when we spend eternity worshiping our Lord? I think Abbie will be right there with me, as we BOTH bow down before OUR creator and worship him together.
No, the bible does not word for word say "animals will be in Heaven." But it does not say "animals are not in Heaven" either. So we ask Jesus. Then you make your own decision with him as your guide.
Hmmm....all animals have breath, therefore animals praise the Lord. So, they can praise the Lord but not enter Heaven with him? That's ridiculous.
"And all flesh shall see the salvation of God" Luke 3:6
All flesh...all animals. Salvation is Heaven. Salvation means: the act of saving from harm or loss; redemption - thank you Websters dictionary.
Won't the new Heaven and the new Earth be just like the Garden of Eden? Were there not animals there? He says "the lion shall lie down with the lamb..." how can that happen if there are no animals?
"The wolf and the lamb will feed together, the lion will eat straw like the ox" Isaiah 65:25. How can that happen in the new Heaven if animals are not there do so?
I've heard "animals don't have souls." How do you know? Show me where in the bible it says either animals do NOT have souls or animals will NOT be in Heaven. You can't. Who are we to LIMIT God and his vast expanse of love and his kingdom? Perhaps they don't have the same kind of soul that we do, but does that mean they don't have one at all? Who are you to say so? Just because they cannot speak English, we know what they think? Will there not be trees and streets of gold and castles in Heaven - they don't have souls...yet they are talked about in Heaven....GOD MADE the animals....everything he made is GOOD and PRECIOUS. Why would he not want them in Heaven with him?
I've heard "animals can't confess their sin and ask for forgiveness like we must do." How do you know?? Who are you to say Fido doesn't talk to God every day just like you do? How are we to know what kind of communication animals have with their creator? Who are we to limit that ability? Who are you to say that Fido does NOT have conversations with his creator? Perhaps they have their own set of 10 commandments that we don't even have a clue about and their own bible written in their language? Who are we to limit their spirituality?
Who among us has not had the supreme honor of being loved and cared for by an animal? Who can love an animal and not know that they know what pure and true love really is? They would lay down their lives for us in a blink of an eye, they are there for us unconditionally and despite how badly they are treated. Why would God allow us to connect so intimately and bond so tightly with animals to deny us eternal glory with them in Heaven? I cannot even imagine a possibility that a loving and just God would not include his animals in his perfect Heaven. I have prayed and talked to God many times in my life about if animals are in Heaven. I believe with my entire heart, just as strongly as I believe in God himself, that animals DO GO TO HEAVEN. I know with confidence my Abbie is there waiting for me. I know that Jesus welcomed her home and told her she took wonderful care of me and accomplished her job here on Earth very very well.
I know others will continue to argue against it, but why? Why do you so want animals excluded in Heaven?? Why would this be a bad thing to believe in? Why would you not want all of God's perfect creation in Heaven with us when we spend eternity worshiping our Lord? I think Abbie will be right there with me, as we BOTH bow down before OUR creator and worship him together.
No, the bible does not word for word say "animals will be in Heaven." But it does not say "animals are not in Heaven" either. So we ask Jesus. Then you make your own decision with him as your guide.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Its all about Love
Someone was contemplating the "meaning of life" and I was ruminating about this....I have always just KNOWN why I am here. We are all here to learn about love. How to show it, give it, receive it, explore it, taste it, revel in it, stretch it, grab it, keep it, lose it, shape it, touch it, smell it, study it, dive into it, spread it, multiply it, enjoy it, hold it, treasure it, glow with it....
Someone asked Jesus what the most important commandment was and he said "the greatest of these is love." Its pretty clear to me...we all want to feel loved, we all seek it out, and the greatest thing we can do is to LOVE to the best of our ability.
Love is messy, beautiful, complicated, powerful, elusive, perfect, strong, life-changing....nothing is more important to any of us. We all make choices in pursuit of love...we want to feel loved, we want to believe that others love us, we are wanted, needed, cherished, important....to someone else. Sometimes we make unwise or foolish choices and then we learn that it hurts to feel the opposite of love - many nasty emotions rise up when we feel unloved.
I wish I could respond to everyone in love...I truly believe we are to love others as Christ loves us....and no human is able to do this, as we are imperfect. We are here on Earth to learn about how to do so. We all come from the perfect, true love of the father, so we have the capacity inside of us to try and love as he does, and we are called to strive toward this goal. We will once again return to the perfect and true love that Christ gives us....whole and pure, complete and all encompassing...we will all be together to adore and worship him, even greater due to the lessons we have learned on Earth about how great and wonderful that unconditional and perfect love of the father really is.
Even as this is my belief, I see in myself how short I fall of such a goal. Oh my. When someone hurts me, I respond with bitterness, anger and hate. I lash out instead of trying to understand where they are coming from. You hurt me, I want to make you hurt...that is human. What I wish came naturally to me was that I could recognize the place you are coming from, perhaps you felt hurt by something I did or failed to do or to recognize your need for love as well. "Well, she is hurting from such an such and she just wants to feel loved as well, I should try to understand and respond in love instead of bitter revenge." Yea right. Knowing that God wants me to respond in love doesn't make it ANY easier to DO IT!!!
It is so EASY for me to fall over and over again into Satan's trap of showing hatred and bitterness instead of love, as it is for all of us. I can and still do, hold the BEST grudges ever. A huge part of love that I really have a problem with is FORGIVENESS. I have to do it over and over, sometimes there are a few people I have to dig down every day and keep forgiving them numerous times...as it bubbles up and I find it so difficult to not give in to the bitterness of my hurt. I think I am able to love greatly, but then I am also able to be hurt greatly. I understand how so many have to put up walls and shields because they have been hurt so many times they just can't deal with more. To let yourself love with all your heart, you also risk being crushed and shattered with all your heart as well.
Recently, my beloved soul mate dog Abbie went to be with Jesus. We connected on a deep level. I know God sent her to me because I needed her and she understands my soul. Animals are a wonderful model for us to learn from. I could write pages and pages on the subject of animals teaching us about unconditional love, so I won't expound on that here, but I let myself love Abbie with unconditional, free, total abandon....I gave her my heart, shared my soul with her, no holds barred, I dove in completely and loved her without regret, without holding back anything. We share a part of 1 soul...this I know...we recognized each other immediately and we are forever linked until that glorious day when we will be physically together again in Heaven.
But, to love another completely and totally, is to make yourself vulnerable and naked. I love her with a fierceness and a completeness that is powerful and glorious. She taught me so much about how much God loves us UNCONDITIONALLY and despite our shortcomings, our failings, our humanness...she gave me such JOY that when I had to let her fly to Jesus, it hurt me so deeply, ripped my soul in half, that I am struggling to let myself love my animal companions that I am blessed to have with me now with the same carefree abandon. I find myself holding back here and there, as I am afraid of that horrible and dark pain that will come when they have to be with Jesus as well. But I also have tasted what that complete and total love feels like and I want that again as well, so it compels me to keep trying, keep falling in love with my new girls a little bit more every day.
We constantly try to find love, give love, feel loved. We mess up, we fall down, we hurt. We learn, we file it away, we stand back up, dust ourselves off. We try again...we reach out, we try to find love, give love, feel loved. We are learning, stretching, exploring all about love....the many meanings, the many definitions of love...the many words for it, the many facets of it....its a complex and complicated mix of feelings and sensations. So many kinds of love, so many ways to touch it, shape it, find it, lose it....run toward it, run away from it....cherish it, take it for granted....it takes an entire lifetime to learn about it. Some people learn quickly and their purpose is fulfilled early....some of us...well....we take a whole lifetime to figure it out.
The rate I'm going, I'll live to be hundreds of years old to figure it out!!!!
Someone asked Jesus what the most important commandment was and he said "the greatest of these is love." Its pretty clear to me...we all want to feel loved, we all seek it out, and the greatest thing we can do is to LOVE to the best of our ability.
Love is messy, beautiful, complicated, powerful, elusive, perfect, strong, life-changing....nothing is more important to any of us. We all make choices in pursuit of love...we want to feel loved, we want to believe that others love us, we are wanted, needed, cherished, important....to someone else. Sometimes we make unwise or foolish choices and then we learn that it hurts to feel the opposite of love - many nasty emotions rise up when we feel unloved.
I wish I could respond to everyone in love...I truly believe we are to love others as Christ loves us....and no human is able to do this, as we are imperfect. We are here on Earth to learn about how to do so. We all come from the perfect, true love of the father, so we have the capacity inside of us to try and love as he does, and we are called to strive toward this goal. We will once again return to the perfect and true love that Christ gives us....whole and pure, complete and all encompassing...we will all be together to adore and worship him, even greater due to the lessons we have learned on Earth about how great and wonderful that unconditional and perfect love of the father really is.
Even as this is my belief, I see in myself how short I fall of such a goal. Oh my. When someone hurts me, I respond with bitterness, anger and hate. I lash out instead of trying to understand where they are coming from. You hurt me, I want to make you hurt...that is human. What I wish came naturally to me was that I could recognize the place you are coming from, perhaps you felt hurt by something I did or failed to do or to recognize your need for love as well. "Well, she is hurting from such an such and she just wants to feel loved as well, I should try to understand and respond in love instead of bitter revenge." Yea right. Knowing that God wants me to respond in love doesn't make it ANY easier to DO IT!!!
It is so EASY for me to fall over and over again into Satan's trap of showing hatred and bitterness instead of love, as it is for all of us. I can and still do, hold the BEST grudges ever. A huge part of love that I really have a problem with is FORGIVENESS. I have to do it over and over, sometimes there are a few people I have to dig down every day and keep forgiving them numerous times...as it bubbles up and I find it so difficult to not give in to the bitterness of my hurt. I think I am able to love greatly, but then I am also able to be hurt greatly. I understand how so many have to put up walls and shields because they have been hurt so many times they just can't deal with more. To let yourself love with all your heart, you also risk being crushed and shattered with all your heart as well.
Recently, my beloved soul mate dog Abbie went to be with Jesus. We connected on a deep level. I know God sent her to me because I needed her and she understands my soul. Animals are a wonderful model for us to learn from. I could write pages and pages on the subject of animals teaching us about unconditional love, so I won't expound on that here, but I let myself love Abbie with unconditional, free, total abandon....I gave her my heart, shared my soul with her, no holds barred, I dove in completely and loved her without regret, without holding back anything. We share a part of 1 soul...this I know...we recognized each other immediately and we are forever linked until that glorious day when we will be physically together again in Heaven.
But, to love another completely and totally, is to make yourself vulnerable and naked. I love her with a fierceness and a completeness that is powerful and glorious. She taught me so much about how much God loves us UNCONDITIONALLY and despite our shortcomings, our failings, our humanness...she gave me such JOY that when I had to let her fly to Jesus, it hurt me so deeply, ripped my soul in half, that I am struggling to let myself love my animal companions that I am blessed to have with me now with the same carefree abandon. I find myself holding back here and there, as I am afraid of that horrible and dark pain that will come when they have to be with Jesus as well. But I also have tasted what that complete and total love feels like and I want that again as well, so it compels me to keep trying, keep falling in love with my new girls a little bit more every day.
We constantly try to find love, give love, feel loved. We mess up, we fall down, we hurt. We learn, we file it away, we stand back up, dust ourselves off. We try again...we reach out, we try to find love, give love, feel loved. We are learning, stretching, exploring all about love....the many meanings, the many definitions of love...the many words for it, the many facets of it....its a complex and complicated mix of feelings and sensations. So many kinds of love, so many ways to touch it, shape it, find it, lose it....run toward it, run away from it....cherish it, take it for granted....it takes an entire lifetime to learn about it. Some people learn quickly and their purpose is fulfilled early....some of us...well....we take a whole lifetime to figure it out.
The rate I'm going, I'll live to be hundreds of years old to figure it out!!!!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Life Goes On...despite my broken heart....
I haven't felt up to much writing since my Abbie flew to be with Jesus. I know she is safe with Jesus, healthy and happy in paradise waiting for me. The moment I had to watch that needle go into her vein, when I knew she was going to let go, was the hardest second of my life thus far. Sometimes the right choice isn't the easiest one. I could have shouted to stop, I could have prolonged her suffering here on Earth for my own selfish needs...but I gave her that one last gift of peace and release...and told her to fly to Jesus, and to find my Aunt Eunice who shares my deep love of animals. I know time is not the same up in Heaven, so she isnt counting the minutes as I am until we are reunited once again.
I was unable to let go of her physical body for some time, as I studied her face, memorized each whisker on her muzzle, the curve of her nose, the feel of her soft fur....but I knew she was not really there, she was in perfect peace, able to breathe fully and completely, no struggling at all. She had entered the realm of perfect peace and love, as I was entering a deep black hole of sorrow...missing her beyond comprehension....the pain in my heart crushing and suffocating at the same time.
When my dear sweetness Abbie became an angel, my pain was so deep, I had to constantly push it down, or it would overwhelm me. I am slowly able to let some of it go, release the pain and the sorrow slowly over to the Creator - he will carry the load for me when I cannot. He is the only one who really knows and understands the depth and the sharpness of my pain...he made me and he made my Abbie, he knows all about our hearts and our connection. I do take comfort in this fact. He blessed me with the love of all his animals, and he gave me one of my truest and most beautiful treasured blessings in that little 16 pounds of fur and pure love. She taught me so much about what true and unconditional love really are...
I knew that Abbie would want me to go on and share our love with another homeless pet, to let that love and that joy back into my life when I felt able to do so. The best way to honor her memory and her love is to share that love with another dog that needs it and will expand our hearts and our experience even more. Abbie's love knows no limits, and she can love many many other family members, so I can do it too.
The emptyness was excruciating, the lack of paws clicking on the floor, no warm fur next to my leg, no sparkling eyes peering up at me, almost killed me those first few weeks after Abbie went to Jesus. I knew that I couldn't wait a long time before sharing our home with another sweet soul. I prayed for God and Abbie to bring me whomever needed me and whomever they knew I needed.
When I heard of a sweet girl that needed a home immediately, I went to investigate. I prayed a lot before for guidance and wisdom when meeting her. I felt Abbie was there and welcoming her into our hearts, so she came home with me. Ellie is sweet, cuddly, devoted and smart. She had just turned 4 and rings a bell on the door when she needs to go out. She slipped right into my heart and she lets me talk to her about Abbie and licks my tears when needed. She misses her former family who couldn't take care of her anymore as I mourn my Abbie. I told her right away that I needed her help to heal and she needed my help to heal and feel safe and sound in her new home. We can help each other. I have patience with her fears as she does with my slowly letting Abbie's memory settle into my heart, and coming to terms with our separation until we are reunited someday.
I know Abbie approves of letting more love and more joy into my heart...I know that is what she wants for me. I do find it harder to completely give my heart away, to totally open up and lay my soul bear again to Ellie, as I know the devastation of the pain when she has to leave me. I have to work at letting her completely into my heart, as I did very easily and freely with Abbie. I cannot let my fear of pain keep me from experiencing that true love and true bond with Ellie. But it does not come as easily this time around. One of life's many lessons and just another scar on my heart that I must incorporate into my being.
You can only experience great, momentous, extraordinary LOVE if you also risk the devastating, crushing, horrific pain of LOSS and SORROW. You can't have one without the other. If you love with your whole heart, you also hurt with your whole heart. Some people close that off, the pain is much too great to bear, much too much to risk feeling again, but that is no way to live. To truly live one must risk - one must experience all possible joys and love to the fullest!! Abbie taught me this...among many other things....
My dear sweet Abbie is happy and healthy, free and joyous now in Heaven. I have absolutely NO DOUBT of that. God told me himself, so I don't have to worry. I picture her running and playing, getting to know my cat Cassie, my Aunt Eunice hugging her for me, as well as my Uncle Terry who recently joined them. I try to only remember the love, the snuggles and all the countless wonderful warm memories she shared with me. I am unable to work in her photo album yet, my heart can't take it now, but I have all of her pictures and mementos in a pretty little box, waiting for the day when I can open them up and sift through them happily and without tears. For now, I hold her heart inside mine and I carry her with me wherever I go...
I was unable to let go of her physical body for some time, as I studied her face, memorized each whisker on her muzzle, the curve of her nose, the feel of her soft fur....but I knew she was not really there, she was in perfect peace, able to breathe fully and completely, no struggling at all. She had entered the realm of perfect peace and love, as I was entering a deep black hole of sorrow...missing her beyond comprehension....the pain in my heart crushing and suffocating at the same time.
When my dear sweetness Abbie became an angel, my pain was so deep, I had to constantly push it down, or it would overwhelm me. I am slowly able to let some of it go, release the pain and the sorrow slowly over to the Creator - he will carry the load for me when I cannot. He is the only one who really knows and understands the depth and the sharpness of my pain...he made me and he made my Abbie, he knows all about our hearts and our connection. I do take comfort in this fact. He blessed me with the love of all his animals, and he gave me one of my truest and most beautiful treasured blessings in that little 16 pounds of fur and pure love. She taught me so much about what true and unconditional love really are...
I knew that Abbie would want me to go on and share our love with another homeless pet, to let that love and that joy back into my life when I felt able to do so. The best way to honor her memory and her love is to share that love with another dog that needs it and will expand our hearts and our experience even more. Abbie's love knows no limits, and she can love many many other family members, so I can do it too.
The emptyness was excruciating, the lack of paws clicking on the floor, no warm fur next to my leg, no sparkling eyes peering up at me, almost killed me those first few weeks after Abbie went to Jesus. I knew that I couldn't wait a long time before sharing our home with another sweet soul. I prayed for God and Abbie to bring me whomever needed me and whomever they knew I needed.
When I heard of a sweet girl that needed a home immediately, I went to investigate. I prayed a lot before for guidance and wisdom when meeting her. I felt Abbie was there and welcoming her into our hearts, so she came home with me. Ellie is sweet, cuddly, devoted and smart. She had just turned 4 and rings a bell on the door when she needs to go out. She slipped right into my heart and she lets me talk to her about Abbie and licks my tears when needed. She misses her former family who couldn't take care of her anymore as I mourn my Abbie. I told her right away that I needed her help to heal and she needed my help to heal and feel safe and sound in her new home. We can help each other. I have patience with her fears as she does with my slowly letting Abbie's memory settle into my heart, and coming to terms with our separation until we are reunited someday.
I know Abbie approves of letting more love and more joy into my heart...I know that is what she wants for me. I do find it harder to completely give my heart away, to totally open up and lay my soul bear again to Ellie, as I know the devastation of the pain when she has to leave me. I have to work at letting her completely into my heart, as I did very easily and freely with Abbie. I cannot let my fear of pain keep me from experiencing that true love and true bond with Ellie. But it does not come as easily this time around. One of life's many lessons and just another scar on my heart that I must incorporate into my being.
You can only experience great, momentous, extraordinary LOVE if you also risk the devastating, crushing, horrific pain of LOSS and SORROW. You can't have one without the other. If you love with your whole heart, you also hurt with your whole heart. Some people close that off, the pain is much too great to bear, much too much to risk feeling again, but that is no way to live. To truly live one must risk - one must experience all possible joys and love to the fullest!! Abbie taught me this...among many other things....
My dear sweet Abbie is happy and healthy, free and joyous now in Heaven. I have absolutely NO DOUBT of that. God told me himself, so I don't have to worry. I picture her running and playing, getting to know my cat Cassie, my Aunt Eunice hugging her for me, as well as my Uncle Terry who recently joined them. I try to only remember the love, the snuggles and all the countless wonderful warm memories she shared with me. I am unable to work in her photo album yet, my heart can't take it now, but I have all of her pictures and mementos in a pretty little box, waiting for the day when I can open them up and sift through them happily and without tears. For now, I hold her heart inside mine and I carry her with me wherever I go...
Friday, August 10, 2012
My heart
Ever take note of how many times a day someone asks you how you are doing? When a customer comes in, most of the time they inquire, "How are you?" Usually we automatically say fine. Or ok. Perhaps utter a quick tired. They assume you are fine and sometimes don't even wait for you to say it, you might repeat the question and get the same answer. I guess fine would have been the truth most of the time. Not this week.
When someone asked me how I was this week, I would mutter fine and move the conversation along. Don't look at my eyes, don't notice how I'm trying not to cry every second, or notice how tired I am, how weary of body and soul.
I found out that my dog, my furry soul mate and faithful friend, was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor. It is aggressive, inoperable, and already making it difficult for her to breathe. She has been my beloved and perfect companion for over 12 of the most glorious and beautiful years of my life. She has enriched me in so many ways, added to my joy in countless ways and kept me sane during the roller coaster we call life. No matter what is going on, she keeps me grounded, keeps me anchored to reality.
I may have had the worst day at work, done everything wrong or had an awful day but when I come home I am the most important person in Abbie's world. She loves me the mostest, the greatest and NO MATTER WHAT. I could be having the worst hair day, she doesn't notice, my gut is sticking out and having a particularly chubby fat day and she couldn't care less. I am her mom, her human, her soul mate and she needs me as much as I need her. We are a pair, we are the perfection of human matched to canine.
If I am gone, she won't eat until I get back home to her. She will sleep on my pillow until I walk back in that door. She won't touch her toys or have any fun either until I throw that toy for her to fetch. When she is away from me, I wonder how she is, if she is safe, warm, cozy. I miss her, as my heart is a little bit nervous when she is not right there with me. When I see her again, my heart warms and settles back into my chest with a happy sigh.
I cannot contemplate coming home and she isn't here. I cannot even let myself wonder how I will cope with that gaping hole in my world, my heart, my soul, my being. I know her spirit will ALWAYS be in my heart, with me wherever I am, but I selfishly want her physical body with me as well, I want to reach out and touch her, caress her soft and beautiful coat, feel her tongue caress my fingers, watch her perky ears flop over and feel her poky little feet on my leg as she walks across my leg.
She will be in Heaven, awaiting my arrival, but I will miss her desperately until then. There is NO WAY THAT GOD WOULD ALLOW US TO GET SO ATTACHED TO OUR ANIMALS and NOT let us meet up with them again in Heaven. You also cannot tell me they don't have souls, feelings, and thoughts. Over and over you see them experience life with feeling, meaning and true love. They grieve when they lose a loved one just as we do, they hurt with us when we are in pain, they know evil when they see it. Most of them are far smarter than half the humans I know. She has taught me sooo much. Her wisdom is far beyond mine, her closeness to God greater than most of us.
You cannot tell me they don't love us as much as we love them, perhaps more as they are so pure and innocent. They know the true meaning of selfless and unconditional love. We SAY we will love someone no matter what, but we hold grudges, impose conditions, and harbor unspoken expectations to be met. Abbie does NOT. She will love me unconditionally even I were to hurt her, leave her, or break a promise. She doesn't expect anything of me, nor does she make me live up to certain standards. If I disappoint her, she forgives me as quick as a snuggle and a kiss.
Every day we have together is a precious gift, a bonus dose of love and joy...another memory to treasure in my soul, another picture to store in my mind, to pull out and hold and turn over in my minds eye when the pain is intense, when the ache is raw and unbearable. I want to live in this moment right now, and not worry about the next. This is sooo hard for me. I want to not worry about how many more tomorrows we have together, but I can only hold off these thoughts for so long...
So when someone casually asks how I am, I say fine and choke back the wave of tears I have been holding in for the last hour and soldier on until I can get back home to continue memorizing every little hair on my baby girl's body, the curl of her tail, the gleam in her eyes, the feel of her tongue on my finger, the way her head fits into the crook of my elbow just right...
When we love someone completely and totally, we also hurt completely and totally when they leave us...my Abbie, my heart, my baby....please don't leave me....
When someone asked me how I was this week, I would mutter fine and move the conversation along. Don't look at my eyes, don't notice how I'm trying not to cry every second, or notice how tired I am, how weary of body and soul.
I found out that my dog, my furry soul mate and faithful friend, was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor. It is aggressive, inoperable, and already making it difficult for her to breathe. She has been my beloved and perfect companion for over 12 of the most glorious and beautiful years of my life. She has enriched me in so many ways, added to my joy in countless ways and kept me sane during the roller coaster we call life. No matter what is going on, she keeps me grounded, keeps me anchored to reality.
I may have had the worst day at work, done everything wrong or had an awful day but when I come home I am the most important person in Abbie's world. She loves me the mostest, the greatest and NO MATTER WHAT. I could be having the worst hair day, she doesn't notice, my gut is sticking out and having a particularly chubby fat day and she couldn't care less. I am her mom, her human, her soul mate and she needs me as much as I need her. We are a pair, we are the perfection of human matched to canine.
If I am gone, she won't eat until I get back home to her. She will sleep on my pillow until I walk back in that door. She won't touch her toys or have any fun either until I throw that toy for her to fetch. When she is away from me, I wonder how she is, if she is safe, warm, cozy. I miss her, as my heart is a little bit nervous when she is not right there with me. When I see her again, my heart warms and settles back into my chest with a happy sigh.
I cannot contemplate coming home and she isn't here. I cannot even let myself wonder how I will cope with that gaping hole in my world, my heart, my soul, my being. I know her spirit will ALWAYS be in my heart, with me wherever I am, but I selfishly want her physical body with me as well, I want to reach out and touch her, caress her soft and beautiful coat, feel her tongue caress my fingers, watch her perky ears flop over and feel her poky little feet on my leg as she walks across my leg.
She will be in Heaven, awaiting my arrival, but I will miss her desperately until then. There is NO WAY THAT GOD WOULD ALLOW US TO GET SO ATTACHED TO OUR ANIMALS and NOT let us meet up with them again in Heaven. You also cannot tell me they don't have souls, feelings, and thoughts. Over and over you see them experience life with feeling, meaning and true love. They grieve when they lose a loved one just as we do, they hurt with us when we are in pain, they know evil when they see it. Most of them are far smarter than half the humans I know. She has taught me sooo much. Her wisdom is far beyond mine, her closeness to God greater than most of us.
You cannot tell me they don't love us as much as we love them, perhaps more as they are so pure and innocent. They know the true meaning of selfless and unconditional love. We SAY we will love someone no matter what, but we hold grudges, impose conditions, and harbor unspoken expectations to be met. Abbie does NOT. She will love me unconditionally even I were to hurt her, leave her, or break a promise. She doesn't expect anything of me, nor does she make me live up to certain standards. If I disappoint her, she forgives me as quick as a snuggle and a kiss.
Every day we have together is a precious gift, a bonus dose of love and joy...another memory to treasure in my soul, another picture to store in my mind, to pull out and hold and turn over in my minds eye when the pain is intense, when the ache is raw and unbearable. I want to live in this moment right now, and not worry about the next. This is sooo hard for me. I want to not worry about how many more tomorrows we have together, but I can only hold off these thoughts for so long...
So when someone casually asks how I am, I say fine and choke back the wave of tears I have been holding in for the last hour and soldier on until I can get back home to continue memorizing every little hair on my baby girl's body, the curl of her tail, the gleam in her eyes, the feel of her tongue on my finger, the way her head fits into the crook of my elbow just right...
When we love someone completely and totally, we also hurt completely and totally when they leave us...my Abbie, my heart, my baby....please don't leave me....
Friday, May 18, 2012
Responsible Pet Owner, yea right.
Since its my blog and I can say whatever I want, I'm going to rant a bit about what I wish I could say at work, but since I value my paycheck and stupid people can't be changed, I zip it.
Don't you dare look at me and say you are a responsible pet owner as you are holding your intact female, bulging with puppies waiting to add to the already overpopulation of pets in this world! I don't care that you insist your pups will find homes, that's not my point. If those families really want a dog for the right reasons, they can go to the nearest shelter and adopt one that is already out there needing their love and attention. Don't make more when there are so many dear ones waiting.
Responsible pet owner = someone who spays/neuters their pet. Someone who keeps said pet up to date every year with the correct vaccinations. Someone who feeds Fido a healthy, well balanced diet and very little people food (and expensive doesn't always mean quality). Someone who gives their dog a monthly heartworm preventative and applies a dose of Frontline (not the cheap look alikes in Walmart that don't work) every month to ward off fleas and ticks. Someone who lets Fido exercise and spend quality time with you. (meaning not in a kennel 23 hrs a day or on a chain in the back yard ignored all day).
Can't afford it? THEN DON'T HAVE A PET!!! Don't have time to spend with your pet, playing, walking, hanging out? THEN DON'T HAVE A PET!!!
"But I deserve it, even if I don't have any money to pay for the proper care of Fido." NO YOU DON'T!! HAVING A PET IS AN HONOR NOT A RIGHT. You can't afford to feed a better food than Old Roy, then don't get a pet. You can pass on those cigarettes or that extra bag of chips if you really want to do right by your dog. You can't afford to spay her? Then save up until you can. Don't get a dog until you have it saved up. You can put aside even a little every month and save up if you really want to do right by your dog. Either do it correctly or don't be a pet owner. If you truly can barely feed and clothe yourself, then this is not the right time to even think about getting or having a dog. DUH.
I don't care if you have 8-10 dogs, if they are cared for correctly. If they are all neutered, vaccinated, eating a quality diet, loved and in a good home, go for it. I'm not saying you shouldn't have more than one, but however many you have you better care for as a responsible pet owner or don't have any.
When you come in and tell me you paid $1000 for your "purebred" Labradoodle....I want to shout at you "What a moron - you paid $1000 for a MUTT!!! You could go to your nearest shelter and adopt a mutt for $100 and not contribute to the market for designer mutts." Obviously, if there weren't a plethora of idiots out there to buy these overpriced mutts, there wouldn't be a supply of them. I firmly believe in supply and demand, therefore, if there wasn't a demand, nobody would supply them. This was a very brilliant use of marketing, when someone accidentally let an unplanned mating occur and wanted to get rid of it for a lot of money even though it was a mix. Ignorant idiots are a dime a dozen out there.
Not an idiot? Then don't pay exorbitant fees for a mix, a mutt, NOT a breed. Go to the shelter and adopt one that needs you and don't give money to these morons. Responsible breeders are not morons, but I don't encourage giving them money either. Please adopt from a shelter and help those animals who need a home and have been waiting so long for your love. Purebred doen't mean better by any means. Many of them are overbred and have lots of problems already.
AND if you don't want to do anything about a problem, then DON'T come in and ask me about it. Don't ask me what do to when you aren't going to fix it anyway. Don't waste my time or get my dander up when I see you decide to just let Fido suffer because you don't want to pay for something to fix his problem.
Ok, I feel a bit better - now I can go another day without blowing my stack at some idiot who thinks she's a responsible pet owner when she clearly is not - I've said my peace cause I know I'lll never change her, she's an idiot. I can just smile and move on....maybe.
Don't you dare look at me and say you are a responsible pet owner as you are holding your intact female, bulging with puppies waiting to add to the already overpopulation of pets in this world! I don't care that you insist your pups will find homes, that's not my point. If those families really want a dog for the right reasons, they can go to the nearest shelter and adopt one that is already out there needing their love and attention. Don't make more when there are so many dear ones waiting.
Responsible pet owner = someone who spays/neuters their pet. Someone who keeps said pet up to date every year with the correct vaccinations. Someone who feeds Fido a healthy, well balanced diet and very little people food (and expensive doesn't always mean quality). Someone who gives their dog a monthly heartworm preventative and applies a dose of Frontline (not the cheap look alikes in Walmart that don't work) every month to ward off fleas and ticks. Someone who lets Fido exercise and spend quality time with you. (meaning not in a kennel 23 hrs a day or on a chain in the back yard ignored all day).
Can't afford it? THEN DON'T HAVE A PET!!! Don't have time to spend with your pet, playing, walking, hanging out? THEN DON'T HAVE A PET!!!
"But I deserve it, even if I don't have any money to pay for the proper care of Fido." NO YOU DON'T!! HAVING A PET IS AN HONOR NOT A RIGHT. You can't afford to feed a better food than Old Roy, then don't get a pet. You can pass on those cigarettes or that extra bag of chips if you really want to do right by your dog. You can't afford to spay her? Then save up until you can. Don't get a dog until you have it saved up. You can put aside even a little every month and save up if you really want to do right by your dog. Either do it correctly or don't be a pet owner. If you truly can barely feed and clothe yourself, then this is not the right time to even think about getting or having a dog. DUH.
I don't care if you have 8-10 dogs, if they are cared for correctly. If they are all neutered, vaccinated, eating a quality diet, loved and in a good home, go for it. I'm not saying you shouldn't have more than one, but however many you have you better care for as a responsible pet owner or don't have any.
When you come in and tell me you paid $1000 for your "purebred" Labradoodle....I want to shout at you "What a moron - you paid $1000 for a MUTT!!! You could go to your nearest shelter and adopt a mutt for $100 and not contribute to the market for designer mutts." Obviously, if there weren't a plethora of idiots out there to buy these overpriced mutts, there wouldn't be a supply of them. I firmly believe in supply and demand, therefore, if there wasn't a demand, nobody would supply them. This was a very brilliant use of marketing, when someone accidentally let an unplanned mating occur and wanted to get rid of it for a lot of money even though it was a mix. Ignorant idiots are a dime a dozen out there.
Not an idiot? Then don't pay exorbitant fees for a mix, a mutt, NOT a breed. Go to the shelter and adopt one that needs you and don't give money to these morons. Responsible breeders are not morons, but I don't encourage giving them money either. Please adopt from a shelter and help those animals who need a home and have been waiting so long for your love. Purebred doen't mean better by any means. Many of them are overbred and have lots of problems already.
AND if you don't want to do anything about a problem, then DON'T come in and ask me about it. Don't ask me what do to when you aren't going to fix it anyway. Don't waste my time or get my dander up when I see you decide to just let Fido suffer because you don't want to pay for something to fix his problem.
Ok, I feel a bit better - now I can go another day without blowing my stack at some idiot who thinks she's a responsible pet owner when she clearly is not - I've said my peace cause I know I'lll never change her, she's an idiot. I can just smile and move on....maybe.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
I can't stand it
So...I love to read...I love to get lost in the drama of a book that sucks you in and curls around your heart...nestles in there and you get to fall in love with it...
I can drown myself and reality in a whole different world and forget about my "normal" routine, my stacks of dirty underwear, my uncooked supper, and my dusty knick knacks...
One of the most wonderful, irreplaceable feelings in the world is to love a book, a story, a group of characters so much that I hate to see more of the pages piling up in my left hand than are awaiting me in my right hand...I'm almost sad anticipating the END, because then I must stop and I can't continue my addiction to this one...also....if its really good, I can't bear to put it down and go to sleep, eat, or you know do basic grooming.
If I'm nose deep in a great novel, the hands on the clock spin without my knowledge and then if I do come up for air, I say to myself "self, just one more chapter, you need to sleep."
Then when I end that chapter I say to myself "self, you can't stop at this place, you have to find out just how this part goes or you will never get to sleep anyway because you can't stop thinking about it and whether Johnny dies or not! I might as well save myself more sleeplessness by just getting by this milestone so I can sleep."
So...after we find out Johnny is deader than a doornail, I have to know who did it....sigh...tangled web...
I have to force myself to put the book down, shut off my brain (that part is pretty easy since the spark plugs can only fuel so much) and go to sleep. Stay away from the book, do NOT turn that page!!!
So, when I find a particularly riveting book, this is both a blessing and a terrible thing...my addition to it can be self-destructive and I lack sleep and sometimes forget to - oh well put on deodorant or brush my teeth or zip my pants cause I'm trying to read some more while getting ready in the morning or stick in a few extra paragraphs while trying to stay alive...with mundane things such as eating and bathing, breathing...
So, as I am quite tired these last few mornings, I am indeed knee deep in a tale that has sucked me in. I haven't had one of these in a while so I am trying to pace myself as I don't want it to end...but yet I just have to find out if she gets away from the "bad guy". So, I gotta cut this short, as my book is burning a hole in my nightstand begging me to pick it up and continue my journey into their lives....these people who aren't real and have no bearing on me whatsoever, except that I have come to care for them.
I hope Jill didn't kill Johnny cause its SOOO obvious and then I will be MAD cause I totally solved it...sigh...
I can drown myself and reality in a whole different world and forget about my "normal" routine, my stacks of dirty underwear, my uncooked supper, and my dusty knick knacks...
One of the most wonderful, irreplaceable feelings in the world is to love a book, a story, a group of characters so much that I hate to see more of the pages piling up in my left hand than are awaiting me in my right hand...I'm almost sad anticipating the END, because then I must stop and I can't continue my addiction to this one...also....if its really good, I can't bear to put it down and go to sleep, eat, or you know do basic grooming.
If I'm nose deep in a great novel, the hands on the clock spin without my knowledge and then if I do come up for air, I say to myself "self, just one more chapter, you need to sleep."
Then when I end that chapter I say to myself "self, you can't stop at this place, you have to find out just how this part goes or you will never get to sleep anyway because you can't stop thinking about it and whether Johnny dies or not! I might as well save myself more sleeplessness by just getting by this milestone so I can sleep."
So...after we find out Johnny is deader than a doornail, I have to know who did it....sigh...tangled web...
I have to force myself to put the book down, shut off my brain (that part is pretty easy since the spark plugs can only fuel so much) and go to sleep. Stay away from the book, do NOT turn that page!!!
So, when I find a particularly riveting book, this is both a blessing and a terrible thing...my addition to it can be self-destructive and I lack sleep and sometimes forget to - oh well put on deodorant or brush my teeth or zip my pants cause I'm trying to read some more while getting ready in the morning or stick in a few extra paragraphs while trying to stay alive...with mundane things such as eating and bathing, breathing...
So, as I am quite tired these last few mornings, I am indeed knee deep in a tale that has sucked me in. I haven't had one of these in a while so I am trying to pace myself as I don't want it to end...but yet I just have to find out if she gets away from the "bad guy". So, I gotta cut this short, as my book is burning a hole in my nightstand begging me to pick it up and continue my journey into their lives....these people who aren't real and have no bearing on me whatsoever, except that I have come to care for them.
I hope Jill didn't kill Johnny cause its SOOO obvious and then I will be MAD cause I totally solved it...sigh...
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