So I love pandas. I collect anything with a panda on it. If I need to buy something, say an umbrella, I want one with pandas on it. Cute ones, not the ugly fat fake looking ones...the ones that look real and like you want to just cuddle up with them.
I happened upon a cool looking umbrella on SALE! at my local store. It was on sale because it had a tiny little hole in it. Tiny as in a pin hole size. Oh, I can fix that, so I bought it. Now I have an umbrella with a hole in it. Not that I use an umbrella very often...most of the time I forget I even have access to one and run through the rain to my car or the nearest building. Or I'm out and about and of course the umbrella is at home. With a hole in it. What is the point of even having or using an umbrella if it has a hole it in? Granted it is tiny, but still. Thats just wrong.
So, I was thinking I need to repair my holey umbrella so I can use it with confidence. Hmmm..any ideas on how to fix a hole in an umbrella? Me neither. Perhaps I could always fall back on the tried and true duck tape...a tiny piece neatly cut into a simple circle just big enough to cover my hole. Hey you can even get colors, so a nice green to blend in with the fabric would do it. But no, I can never just do the simple and move on.
I started to think about whats the worst that could happen if I just threw caution to the wind and used it without fixing the hole? What are the chances that one rouge raindrop would slither its way through that one tiny place and drop on me? Normally that would be ok, but what if it hit me in a crucial place, such as, I don't know, in my eyeball? And I was walking down a busy downtown Decorah street, and the sudden appearance of a foreign and unexpected raindrop into my eyeball would cause me to get discombobulated and flail around and accidentally walk into the path of an on coming bus!
Ok, we don't have a lot of buses per say in Decorah, but it could easily be a semi or a big SUV and it would still be bad. I could die. "How did she die?" Oh, she had a raindrop hit her in the eyeball and she walked into the path of a very big Jeep!" How terrible. Of course, how would the ME know that? The offending raindrop would be long gone and then everyone would wonder why I walked into the road.
OOOOOO....perhaps they would put me on a TV show about "How did she Die?" to figure out what happened. It would be super awesome to be the subject of a TV show, but I don't really want to be dead to do it. BUT if I get murdered some day, I do so hope I can be on one of those forensic shows where they solve my murder using DNA and other cool evidence to catch my killer. At least if I were murdered, something good would come out of it, even though I'd be too dead to appreciate it. I guess I can't be alive and be the subject of a murder show....then all my friends and family could talk about me and how I just "lit up a room" and would "do anything for you" cause that's what they always say about all the dead people. They never say "she was an old bat" or "complained about everything".
It would be bad though if they don't discover the hole in my umbrella so they never figure out it was a rogue raindrop and they just think I was crazy....but really what are the chances that one raindrop would find its way to that one tiny hole and then be big enough to maintain its mass to still be a drop when it wiggles its way through said hole and fall into my eyeball? It has a lot of other area on my body to make contact with and never hit my actual eyeball. It could hit me in the shoulder and I'd never even feel it, therefore never get discombobulated and then never walk out in front of a Jeep. Then again, I'd never be on TV. Sigh.
Maybe I can be on TV for being a world famous author or cause I became a millionaire by discovering the perfect substance to fix an umbrella! I know that will never happen, so I guess I am going to keep the hole in my umbrella and try to aim it at my eyeball to see if I can actually get one to land there. It could keep me occupied while waiting for the bus to pick me up.
My beloved nephews are the light of my life, as is my husband and dog.
Saturday, May 9, 2015
Friday, December 12, 2014
Why I Don't Cook
I'm no Martha Stewart or Rachael Rae, this I will readily admit. I am barely even ok with boiling water and making a TV dinner, but if I concentrate and work hard, I am able to bake a decent cake and make an occasional batch of cookies. Or I used to anyway.
Well, my very best friend ever Kris Larson is an expert in the art of cooking....especially in making the perfect chocolate chip cookie. Whenever we go to her house, she always shares with us an endless supply of delicious cookies. I slacked off in ever making them because I don't really enjoy all the work and hers are very near perfection. I knew I could never hope to make any even half as great as hers, so I never really tried to do so.
Well, my husband is quite a fan of her cookies, as am I, and he suggested I make some to refill his cookie tin that he keeps in his truck. Kris had been doing that, but he said he didn't want her to feel like she had to keep doing so. I even had her recipe on file so I thought I could at least try to make some "good" cookies, but of course never try to duplicate perfection. I was just aiming for something edible, perhaps even enjoyable to the taste buds.
So, I endeavored to make a batch. Its quite a process for me to work up to cooking something...I have to mull it over for a while, make sure I know all the steps, procrastinate for a few hours, and then perhaps start pre-heating the oven. I finally talked myself into making them and slaved for HOURS in the kitchen, sweat rolling down my face and flour on my shirt, but I powered through. I remember adding all the ingredients and thinking that the finished dough tasted quite good. I put in the first batch and watched them carefully to make sure they did not burn.
As soon as I got the warm freshly baked goodies out of the oven, I excitedly called my husband into the kitchen to sample a warm cookie. Keep in mind I never cook and I slaved for hours on these suckers.
His first words and I kid you NOT - "Well, they aren't as good as Kris Larsons."
Followed by - "Was the Crisco you used fresh? They taste kinda stale."
Had I not been so exhausted sitting in my chair across the room from him I would have wacked him in the family jewels. I was too stunned to reply at first. Then I ripped the remaining cookie from his hand and said "Fine, you don't have to eat any more then."
"What? I was being honest. They aren't that bad..." Too late buddy - you screwed it up!!! Keep in mind we have been married for almost 15 years, he's no novice at this relationship stuff, he's not a newlywed or usually a stupid man...but hello...first you compare me to the ultimate example of perfection, then you say they taste stale??? I thought they tasted pretty darn good!! They smelled great, they looked nice, the chip to dough ratio was spot on and they were moist and not too hard.
Stale as they might have been, that didn't stop him from eating another 6 of them in the am before he went to work. I took a bowlful to work to see what other people thought of my treats. I didn't tell them anything at first, just had them all try one and they were RAVING about how moist they were and how I could make them cookies every day! Then I told them what my husband had said and they almost choked on the cookie. They couldn't believe he'd been so stupid. Stale? Nobody detected any hint of staleness, and they were very tasty and everyone gobbled them up quickly. A few people suggested a few ideas of what to say to my husband when I got home.
Whew! I just felt better because my co-workers confirmed what I thought already, my cookies were darn good all on their own and he could just kiss my big patootie.
So....when my beloved got home from work I informed him how much everyone loved my cookies and he says "I told you they were good..." I snorted so loud the dog fell off the couch.
"What?" he says. So I relayed to him word for word what he said, it was burned into my brain. He said so, I was being honest. He said he didn't say anything wrong because NOBODY could ever hope to come close to being as good at cookies as Kris Larson and if the Crisco was stale, that was not my fault so I can't be offended.
So he totally didn't even get the point. Sometimes you should just know when to eat the cookie, smile and say how wonderful it tastes. Now if it is something that is inedible, such as a lemon pie I once tried to make long ago (whole nother story right there people) then he would need to say something. Something like this was toxic waste and might kill someone. BUT if the food, such as these lovely cookies were decent, maybe even good, shut up and eat the cookie...take a few more and tell me how great they are buddy.
Why do you even wonder why I never cook???
Well, my very best friend ever Kris Larson is an expert in the art of cooking....especially in making the perfect chocolate chip cookie. Whenever we go to her house, she always shares with us an endless supply of delicious cookies. I slacked off in ever making them because I don't really enjoy all the work and hers are very near perfection. I knew I could never hope to make any even half as great as hers, so I never really tried to do so.
Well, my husband is quite a fan of her cookies, as am I, and he suggested I make some to refill his cookie tin that he keeps in his truck. Kris had been doing that, but he said he didn't want her to feel like she had to keep doing so. I even had her recipe on file so I thought I could at least try to make some "good" cookies, but of course never try to duplicate perfection. I was just aiming for something edible, perhaps even enjoyable to the taste buds.
So, I endeavored to make a batch. Its quite a process for me to work up to cooking something...I have to mull it over for a while, make sure I know all the steps, procrastinate for a few hours, and then perhaps start pre-heating the oven. I finally talked myself into making them and slaved for HOURS in the kitchen, sweat rolling down my face and flour on my shirt, but I powered through. I remember adding all the ingredients and thinking that the finished dough tasted quite good. I put in the first batch and watched them carefully to make sure they did not burn.
As soon as I got the warm freshly baked goodies out of the oven, I excitedly called my husband into the kitchen to sample a warm cookie. Keep in mind I never cook and I slaved for hours on these suckers.
His first words and I kid you NOT - "Well, they aren't as good as Kris Larsons."
Followed by - "Was the Crisco you used fresh? They taste kinda stale."
Had I not been so exhausted sitting in my chair across the room from him I would have wacked him in the family jewels. I was too stunned to reply at first. Then I ripped the remaining cookie from his hand and said "Fine, you don't have to eat any more then."
"What? I was being honest. They aren't that bad..." Too late buddy - you screwed it up!!! Keep in mind we have been married for almost 15 years, he's no novice at this relationship stuff, he's not a newlywed or usually a stupid man...but hello...first you compare me to the ultimate example of perfection, then you say they taste stale??? I thought they tasted pretty darn good!! They smelled great, they looked nice, the chip to dough ratio was spot on and they were moist and not too hard.
Stale as they might have been, that didn't stop him from eating another 6 of them in the am before he went to work. I took a bowlful to work to see what other people thought of my treats. I didn't tell them anything at first, just had them all try one and they were RAVING about how moist they were and how I could make them cookies every day! Then I told them what my husband had said and they almost choked on the cookie. They couldn't believe he'd been so stupid. Stale? Nobody detected any hint of staleness, and they were very tasty and everyone gobbled them up quickly. A few people suggested a few ideas of what to say to my husband when I got home.
Whew! I just felt better because my co-workers confirmed what I thought already, my cookies were darn good all on their own and he could just kiss my big patootie.
So....when my beloved got home from work I informed him how much everyone loved my cookies and he says "I told you they were good..." I snorted so loud the dog fell off the couch.
"What?" he says. So I relayed to him word for word what he said, it was burned into my brain. He said so, I was being honest. He said he didn't say anything wrong because NOBODY could ever hope to come close to being as good at cookies as Kris Larson and if the Crisco was stale, that was not my fault so I can't be offended.
So he totally didn't even get the point. Sometimes you should just know when to eat the cookie, smile and say how wonderful it tastes. Now if it is something that is inedible, such as a lemon pie I once tried to make long ago (whole nother story right there people) then he would need to say something. Something like this was toxic waste and might kill someone. BUT if the food, such as these lovely cookies were decent, maybe even good, shut up and eat the cookie...take a few more and tell me how great they are buddy.
Why do you even wonder why I never cook???
Sunday, November 16, 2014
It takes two...
How come it takes two to plant and grow a friendship but it only takes one to let it die?
How come it takes two for an embrace but it only takes one to let go?
How come it takes two to start a marriage but it only takes one to file for divorce?
How come it takes two to make "us", but it only takes one to leave and make it just "me"?
Love isn't forever. We tell each other I love you forever, but it should really say I love you until we grow apart and move on. Its not either of us at fault, its just how life moves and flows and you might not fit in with my life. I will love you until we stop calling each other and we get involved with other friends and our lives don't intersect anymore, then I won't really love you much anymore. I will love you until I replace you and someone else can make me feel like you used to.
This could be in a romantic relationship or a deep friendship. I've been reflecting a lot lately on the later. We were inseparable, we cried together, we shared a life. We were so happy when we could schedule classes together. I'd never bared my true soul to another in the way I poured it all out to her. I felt like I'd found someone who actually understood how I felt and felt much the same way. I used to rush home from class to spend all my free time with her. We could talk about anything and we sure did. We did everything together, we were like one person...we planned how we would live next to each other when we left college...now she doesn't even send me a return Christmas card....I only know she's still alive because of a few posts on Facebook. We used to share ONE life, now we don't even know what each other is doing, feeling, or thinking. I quickly found out when we left for our prospective new lives, she didn't plan on including me in hers. Un-returned phone calls, not many emails, no visits, nothing. It took two of us to build this beautiful friendship, but it only takes one to let it die...I can't hold it all together from one side.
Another really special friend I had used to tell me we would be friends forever, and she basically kept me alive while in high school, but after she and her husband moved to another state, I guess she wanted to leave me behind as well. I used to make sure and see her every time I came home from college and we'd pick up like we'd never been apart. She was like a mother/mentor to me since I met her in HS. She got me through a very dark time...with her hugs, her laughter, her strength and faith in God. I always wondered "How would she respond to this or would she think this was a good idea?" When I met James, my husband, he had to pass her test first. I would have defied most everyone else, but not her. If she thought he was bad news, it would have been over. She was in my wedding, she was a huge part of my life in HS and into college. We exchanged emails every day and visited every change I got to come see her. She even came to visit me in my dorm. But after I wed and she moved, the emails trailed off, the visits were never and I haven't heard her voice in years. I guess it only took one of us to let the relationship whither to dust.
Both of these incredible women were a major part of my life and helped to mold me into the person I have become. Without them, I would probably be dead or at least have given up a long time ago. I know we need to continue on and realize that not everyone is meant for a lifetime journey with us, but I HATE IT!! I want to be in their lives forever and they in mine, but apparently promises aren't always kept, relationships aren't always forever and love doesn't always stay.
Why does it take two to tango but it only takes one to stop the dance?
Why does it take two to sing a duet but it only takes one to make it a solo?
Why does it take two to make a promise but it only takes one to break it?
Neither woman will ever read this blog because they aren't in my life to even know I wrote it. Perhaps one day when we all get to heaven I can understand why such important relationships have to change and go away...why we can literally depend on someone one day and barely know them the next?
I wonder if anyone views me as the one to let it die?
How come it takes two for an embrace but it only takes one to let go?
How come it takes two to start a marriage but it only takes one to file for divorce?
How come it takes two to make "us", but it only takes one to leave and make it just "me"?
Love isn't forever. We tell each other I love you forever, but it should really say I love you until we grow apart and move on. Its not either of us at fault, its just how life moves and flows and you might not fit in with my life. I will love you until we stop calling each other and we get involved with other friends and our lives don't intersect anymore, then I won't really love you much anymore. I will love you until I replace you and someone else can make me feel like you used to.
This could be in a romantic relationship or a deep friendship. I've been reflecting a lot lately on the later. We were inseparable, we cried together, we shared a life. We were so happy when we could schedule classes together. I'd never bared my true soul to another in the way I poured it all out to her. I felt like I'd found someone who actually understood how I felt and felt much the same way. I used to rush home from class to spend all my free time with her. We could talk about anything and we sure did. We did everything together, we were like one person...we planned how we would live next to each other when we left college...now she doesn't even send me a return Christmas card....I only know she's still alive because of a few posts on Facebook. We used to share ONE life, now we don't even know what each other is doing, feeling, or thinking. I quickly found out when we left for our prospective new lives, she didn't plan on including me in hers. Un-returned phone calls, not many emails, no visits, nothing. It took two of us to build this beautiful friendship, but it only takes one to let it die...I can't hold it all together from one side.
Another really special friend I had used to tell me we would be friends forever, and she basically kept me alive while in high school, but after she and her husband moved to another state, I guess she wanted to leave me behind as well. I used to make sure and see her every time I came home from college and we'd pick up like we'd never been apart. She was like a mother/mentor to me since I met her in HS. She got me through a very dark time...with her hugs, her laughter, her strength and faith in God. I always wondered "How would she respond to this or would she think this was a good idea?" When I met James, my husband, he had to pass her test first. I would have defied most everyone else, but not her. If she thought he was bad news, it would have been over. She was in my wedding, she was a huge part of my life in HS and into college. We exchanged emails every day and visited every change I got to come see her. She even came to visit me in my dorm. But after I wed and she moved, the emails trailed off, the visits were never and I haven't heard her voice in years. I guess it only took one of us to let the relationship whither to dust.
Both of these incredible women were a major part of my life and helped to mold me into the person I have become. Without them, I would probably be dead or at least have given up a long time ago. I know we need to continue on and realize that not everyone is meant for a lifetime journey with us, but I HATE IT!! I want to be in their lives forever and they in mine, but apparently promises aren't always kept, relationships aren't always forever and love doesn't always stay.
Why does it take two to tango but it only takes one to stop the dance?
Why does it take two to sing a duet but it only takes one to make it a solo?
Why does it take two to make a promise but it only takes one to break it?
Neither woman will ever read this blog because they aren't in my life to even know I wrote it. Perhaps one day when we all get to heaven I can understand why such important relationships have to change and go away...why we can literally depend on someone one day and barely know them the next?
I wonder if anyone views me as the one to let it die?
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Animals ARE in Heaven
"Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. Praise ye the Lord." Psalm 150:6
Hmmm....all animals have breath, therefore animals praise the Lord. So, they can praise the Lord but not enter Heaven with him? That's ridiculous.
"And all flesh shall see the salvation of God" Luke 3:6
All flesh...all animals. Salvation is Heaven. Salvation means: the act of saving from harm or loss; redemption - thank you Websters dictionary.
Won't the new Heaven and the new Earth be just like the Garden of Eden? Were there not animals there? He says "the lion shall lie down with the lamb..." how can that happen if there are no animals?
"The wolf and the lamb will feed together, the lion will eat straw like the ox" Isaiah 65:25. How can that happen in the new Heaven if animals are not there do so?
I've heard "animals don't have souls." How do you know? Show me where in the bible it says either animals do NOT have souls or animals will NOT be in Heaven. You can't. Who are we to LIMIT God and his vast expanse of love and his kingdom? Perhaps they don't have the same kind of soul that we do, but does that mean they don't have one at all? Who are you to say so? Just because they cannot speak English, we know what they think? Will there not be trees and streets of gold and castles in Heaven - they don't have souls...yet they are talked about in Heaven....GOD MADE the animals....everything he made is GOOD and PRECIOUS. Why would he not want them in Heaven with him?
I've heard "animals can't confess their sin and ask for forgiveness like we must do." How do you know?? Who are you to say Fido doesn't talk to God every day just like you do? How are we to know what kind of communication animals have with their creator? Who are we to limit that ability? Who are you to say that Fido does NOT have conversations with his creator? Perhaps they have their own set of 10 commandments that we don't even have a clue about and their own bible written in their language? Who are we to limit their spirituality?
Who among us has not had the supreme honor of being loved and cared for by an animal? Who can love an animal and not know that they know what pure and true love really is? They would lay down their lives for us in a blink of an eye, they are there for us unconditionally and despite how badly they are treated. Why would God allow us to connect so intimately and bond so tightly with animals to deny us eternal glory with them in Heaven? I cannot even imagine a possibility that a loving and just God would not include his animals in his perfect Heaven. I have prayed and talked to God many times in my life about if animals are in Heaven. I believe with my entire heart, just as strongly as I believe in God himself, that animals DO GO TO HEAVEN. I know with confidence my Abbie is there waiting for me. I know that Jesus welcomed her home and told her she took wonderful care of me and accomplished her job here on Earth very very well.
I know others will continue to argue against it, but why? Why do you so want animals excluded in Heaven?? Why would this be a bad thing to believe in? Why would you not want all of God's perfect creation in Heaven with us when we spend eternity worshiping our Lord? I think Abbie will be right there with me, as we BOTH bow down before OUR creator and worship him together.
No, the bible does not word for word say "animals will be in Heaven." But it does not say "animals are not in Heaven" either. So we ask Jesus. Then you make your own decision with him as your guide.
Hmmm....all animals have breath, therefore animals praise the Lord. So, they can praise the Lord but not enter Heaven with him? That's ridiculous.
"And all flesh shall see the salvation of God" Luke 3:6
All flesh...all animals. Salvation is Heaven. Salvation means: the act of saving from harm or loss; redemption - thank you Websters dictionary.
Won't the new Heaven and the new Earth be just like the Garden of Eden? Were there not animals there? He says "the lion shall lie down with the lamb..." how can that happen if there are no animals?
"The wolf and the lamb will feed together, the lion will eat straw like the ox" Isaiah 65:25. How can that happen in the new Heaven if animals are not there do so?
I've heard "animals don't have souls." How do you know? Show me where in the bible it says either animals do NOT have souls or animals will NOT be in Heaven. You can't. Who are we to LIMIT God and his vast expanse of love and his kingdom? Perhaps they don't have the same kind of soul that we do, but does that mean they don't have one at all? Who are you to say so? Just because they cannot speak English, we know what they think? Will there not be trees and streets of gold and castles in Heaven - they don't have souls...yet they are talked about in Heaven....GOD MADE the animals....everything he made is GOOD and PRECIOUS. Why would he not want them in Heaven with him?
I've heard "animals can't confess their sin and ask for forgiveness like we must do." How do you know?? Who are you to say Fido doesn't talk to God every day just like you do? How are we to know what kind of communication animals have with their creator? Who are we to limit that ability? Who are you to say that Fido does NOT have conversations with his creator? Perhaps they have their own set of 10 commandments that we don't even have a clue about and their own bible written in their language? Who are we to limit their spirituality?
Who among us has not had the supreme honor of being loved and cared for by an animal? Who can love an animal and not know that they know what pure and true love really is? They would lay down their lives for us in a blink of an eye, they are there for us unconditionally and despite how badly they are treated. Why would God allow us to connect so intimately and bond so tightly with animals to deny us eternal glory with them in Heaven? I cannot even imagine a possibility that a loving and just God would not include his animals in his perfect Heaven. I have prayed and talked to God many times in my life about if animals are in Heaven. I believe with my entire heart, just as strongly as I believe in God himself, that animals DO GO TO HEAVEN. I know with confidence my Abbie is there waiting for me. I know that Jesus welcomed her home and told her she took wonderful care of me and accomplished her job here on Earth very very well.
I know others will continue to argue against it, but why? Why do you so want animals excluded in Heaven?? Why would this be a bad thing to believe in? Why would you not want all of God's perfect creation in Heaven with us when we spend eternity worshiping our Lord? I think Abbie will be right there with me, as we BOTH bow down before OUR creator and worship him together.
No, the bible does not word for word say "animals will be in Heaven." But it does not say "animals are not in Heaven" either. So we ask Jesus. Then you make your own decision with him as your guide.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Its all about Love
Someone was contemplating the "meaning of life" and I was ruminating about this....I have always just KNOWN why I am here. We are all here to learn about love. How to show it, give it, receive it, explore it, taste it, revel in it, stretch it, grab it, keep it, lose it, shape it, touch it, smell it, study it, dive into it, spread it, multiply it, enjoy it, hold it, treasure it, glow with it....
Someone asked Jesus what the most important commandment was and he said "the greatest of these is love." Its pretty clear to me...we all want to feel loved, we all seek it out, and the greatest thing we can do is to LOVE to the best of our ability.
Love is messy, beautiful, complicated, powerful, elusive, perfect, strong, life-changing....nothing is more important to any of us. We all make choices in pursuit of love...we want to feel loved, we want to believe that others love us, we are wanted, needed, cherished, important....to someone else. Sometimes we make unwise or foolish choices and then we learn that it hurts to feel the opposite of love - many nasty emotions rise up when we feel unloved.
I wish I could respond to everyone in love...I truly believe we are to love others as Christ loves us....and no human is able to do this, as we are imperfect. We are here on Earth to learn about how to do so. We all come from the perfect, true love of the father, so we have the capacity inside of us to try and love as he does, and we are called to strive toward this goal. We will once again return to the perfect and true love that Christ gives us....whole and pure, complete and all encompassing...we will all be together to adore and worship him, even greater due to the lessons we have learned on Earth about how great and wonderful that unconditional and perfect love of the father really is.
Even as this is my belief, I see in myself how short I fall of such a goal. Oh my. When someone hurts me, I respond with bitterness, anger and hate. I lash out instead of trying to understand where they are coming from. You hurt me, I want to make you hurt...that is human. What I wish came naturally to me was that I could recognize the place you are coming from, perhaps you felt hurt by something I did or failed to do or to recognize your need for love as well. "Well, she is hurting from such an such and she just wants to feel loved as well, I should try to understand and respond in love instead of bitter revenge." Yea right. Knowing that God wants me to respond in love doesn't make it ANY easier to DO IT!!!
It is so EASY for me to fall over and over again into Satan's trap of showing hatred and bitterness instead of love, as it is for all of us. I can and still do, hold the BEST grudges ever. A huge part of love that I really have a problem with is FORGIVENESS. I have to do it over and over, sometimes there are a few people I have to dig down every day and keep forgiving them numerous times...as it bubbles up and I find it so difficult to not give in to the bitterness of my hurt. I think I am able to love greatly, but then I am also able to be hurt greatly. I understand how so many have to put up walls and shields because they have been hurt so many times they just can't deal with more. To let yourself love with all your heart, you also risk being crushed and shattered with all your heart as well.
Recently, my beloved soul mate dog Abbie went to be with Jesus. We connected on a deep level. I know God sent her to me because I needed her and she understands my soul. Animals are a wonderful model for us to learn from. I could write pages and pages on the subject of animals teaching us about unconditional love, so I won't expound on that here, but I let myself love Abbie with unconditional, free, total abandon....I gave her my heart, shared my soul with her, no holds barred, I dove in completely and loved her without regret, without holding back anything. We share a part of 1 soul...this I know...we recognized each other immediately and we are forever linked until that glorious day when we will be physically together again in Heaven.
But, to love another completely and totally, is to make yourself vulnerable and naked. I love her with a fierceness and a completeness that is powerful and glorious. She taught me so much about how much God loves us UNCONDITIONALLY and despite our shortcomings, our failings, our humanness...she gave me such JOY that when I had to let her fly to Jesus, it hurt me so deeply, ripped my soul in half, that I am struggling to let myself love my animal companions that I am blessed to have with me now with the same carefree abandon. I find myself holding back here and there, as I am afraid of that horrible and dark pain that will come when they have to be with Jesus as well. But I also have tasted what that complete and total love feels like and I want that again as well, so it compels me to keep trying, keep falling in love with my new girls a little bit more every day.
We constantly try to find love, give love, feel loved. We mess up, we fall down, we hurt. We learn, we file it away, we stand back up, dust ourselves off. We try again...we reach out, we try to find love, give love, feel loved. We are learning, stretching, exploring all about love....the many meanings, the many definitions of love...the many words for it, the many facets of it....its a complex and complicated mix of feelings and sensations. So many kinds of love, so many ways to touch it, shape it, find it, lose it....run toward it, run away from it....cherish it, take it for granted....it takes an entire lifetime to learn about it. Some people learn quickly and their purpose is fulfilled early....some of us...well....we take a whole lifetime to figure it out.
The rate I'm going, I'll live to be hundreds of years old to figure it out!!!!
Someone asked Jesus what the most important commandment was and he said "the greatest of these is love." Its pretty clear to me...we all want to feel loved, we all seek it out, and the greatest thing we can do is to LOVE to the best of our ability.
Love is messy, beautiful, complicated, powerful, elusive, perfect, strong, life-changing....nothing is more important to any of us. We all make choices in pursuit of love...we want to feel loved, we want to believe that others love us, we are wanted, needed, cherished, important....to someone else. Sometimes we make unwise or foolish choices and then we learn that it hurts to feel the opposite of love - many nasty emotions rise up when we feel unloved.
I wish I could respond to everyone in love...I truly believe we are to love others as Christ loves us....and no human is able to do this, as we are imperfect. We are here on Earth to learn about how to do so. We all come from the perfect, true love of the father, so we have the capacity inside of us to try and love as he does, and we are called to strive toward this goal. We will once again return to the perfect and true love that Christ gives us....whole and pure, complete and all encompassing...we will all be together to adore and worship him, even greater due to the lessons we have learned on Earth about how great and wonderful that unconditional and perfect love of the father really is.
Even as this is my belief, I see in myself how short I fall of such a goal. Oh my. When someone hurts me, I respond with bitterness, anger and hate. I lash out instead of trying to understand where they are coming from. You hurt me, I want to make you hurt...that is human. What I wish came naturally to me was that I could recognize the place you are coming from, perhaps you felt hurt by something I did or failed to do or to recognize your need for love as well. "Well, she is hurting from such an such and she just wants to feel loved as well, I should try to understand and respond in love instead of bitter revenge." Yea right. Knowing that God wants me to respond in love doesn't make it ANY easier to DO IT!!!
It is so EASY for me to fall over and over again into Satan's trap of showing hatred and bitterness instead of love, as it is for all of us. I can and still do, hold the BEST grudges ever. A huge part of love that I really have a problem with is FORGIVENESS. I have to do it over and over, sometimes there are a few people I have to dig down every day and keep forgiving them numerous times...as it bubbles up and I find it so difficult to not give in to the bitterness of my hurt. I think I am able to love greatly, but then I am also able to be hurt greatly. I understand how so many have to put up walls and shields because they have been hurt so many times they just can't deal with more. To let yourself love with all your heart, you also risk being crushed and shattered with all your heart as well.
Recently, my beloved soul mate dog Abbie went to be with Jesus. We connected on a deep level. I know God sent her to me because I needed her and she understands my soul. Animals are a wonderful model for us to learn from. I could write pages and pages on the subject of animals teaching us about unconditional love, so I won't expound on that here, but I let myself love Abbie with unconditional, free, total abandon....I gave her my heart, shared my soul with her, no holds barred, I dove in completely and loved her without regret, without holding back anything. We share a part of 1 soul...this I know...we recognized each other immediately and we are forever linked until that glorious day when we will be physically together again in Heaven.
But, to love another completely and totally, is to make yourself vulnerable and naked. I love her with a fierceness and a completeness that is powerful and glorious. She taught me so much about how much God loves us UNCONDITIONALLY and despite our shortcomings, our failings, our humanness...she gave me such JOY that when I had to let her fly to Jesus, it hurt me so deeply, ripped my soul in half, that I am struggling to let myself love my animal companions that I am blessed to have with me now with the same carefree abandon. I find myself holding back here and there, as I am afraid of that horrible and dark pain that will come when they have to be with Jesus as well. But I also have tasted what that complete and total love feels like and I want that again as well, so it compels me to keep trying, keep falling in love with my new girls a little bit more every day.
We constantly try to find love, give love, feel loved. We mess up, we fall down, we hurt. We learn, we file it away, we stand back up, dust ourselves off. We try again...we reach out, we try to find love, give love, feel loved. We are learning, stretching, exploring all about love....the many meanings, the many definitions of love...the many words for it, the many facets of it....its a complex and complicated mix of feelings and sensations. So many kinds of love, so many ways to touch it, shape it, find it, lose it....run toward it, run away from it....cherish it, take it for granted....it takes an entire lifetime to learn about it. Some people learn quickly and their purpose is fulfilled early....some of us...well....we take a whole lifetime to figure it out.
The rate I'm going, I'll live to be hundreds of years old to figure it out!!!!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Life Goes On...despite my broken heart....
I haven't felt up to much writing since my Abbie flew to be with Jesus. I know she is safe with Jesus, healthy and happy in paradise waiting for me. The moment I had to watch that needle go into her vein, when I knew she was going to let go, was the hardest second of my life thus far. Sometimes the right choice isn't the easiest one. I could have shouted to stop, I could have prolonged her suffering here on Earth for my own selfish needs...but I gave her that one last gift of peace and release...and told her to fly to Jesus, and to find my Aunt Eunice who shares my deep love of animals. I know time is not the same up in Heaven, so she isnt counting the minutes as I am until we are reunited once again.
I was unable to let go of her physical body for some time, as I studied her face, memorized each whisker on her muzzle, the curve of her nose, the feel of her soft fur....but I knew she was not really there, she was in perfect peace, able to breathe fully and completely, no struggling at all. She had entered the realm of perfect peace and love, as I was entering a deep black hole of sorrow...missing her beyond comprehension....the pain in my heart crushing and suffocating at the same time.
When my dear sweetness Abbie became an angel, my pain was so deep, I had to constantly push it down, or it would overwhelm me. I am slowly able to let some of it go, release the pain and the sorrow slowly over to the Creator - he will carry the load for me when I cannot. He is the only one who really knows and understands the depth and the sharpness of my pain...he made me and he made my Abbie, he knows all about our hearts and our connection. I do take comfort in this fact. He blessed me with the love of all his animals, and he gave me one of my truest and most beautiful treasured blessings in that little 16 pounds of fur and pure love. She taught me so much about what true and unconditional love really are...
I knew that Abbie would want me to go on and share our love with another homeless pet, to let that love and that joy back into my life when I felt able to do so. The best way to honor her memory and her love is to share that love with another dog that needs it and will expand our hearts and our experience even more. Abbie's love knows no limits, and she can love many many other family members, so I can do it too.
The emptyness was excruciating, the lack of paws clicking on the floor, no warm fur next to my leg, no sparkling eyes peering up at me, almost killed me those first few weeks after Abbie went to Jesus. I knew that I couldn't wait a long time before sharing our home with another sweet soul. I prayed for God and Abbie to bring me whomever needed me and whomever they knew I needed.
When I heard of a sweet girl that needed a home immediately, I went to investigate. I prayed a lot before for guidance and wisdom when meeting her. I felt Abbie was there and welcoming her into our hearts, so she came home with me. Ellie is sweet, cuddly, devoted and smart. She had just turned 4 and rings a bell on the door when she needs to go out. She slipped right into my heart and she lets me talk to her about Abbie and licks my tears when needed. She misses her former family who couldn't take care of her anymore as I mourn my Abbie. I told her right away that I needed her help to heal and she needed my help to heal and feel safe and sound in her new home. We can help each other. I have patience with her fears as she does with my slowly letting Abbie's memory settle into my heart, and coming to terms with our separation until we are reunited someday.
I know Abbie approves of letting more love and more joy into my heart...I know that is what she wants for me. I do find it harder to completely give my heart away, to totally open up and lay my soul bear again to Ellie, as I know the devastation of the pain when she has to leave me. I have to work at letting her completely into my heart, as I did very easily and freely with Abbie. I cannot let my fear of pain keep me from experiencing that true love and true bond with Ellie. But it does not come as easily this time around. One of life's many lessons and just another scar on my heart that I must incorporate into my being.
You can only experience great, momentous, extraordinary LOVE if you also risk the devastating, crushing, horrific pain of LOSS and SORROW. You can't have one without the other. If you love with your whole heart, you also hurt with your whole heart. Some people close that off, the pain is much too great to bear, much too much to risk feeling again, but that is no way to live. To truly live one must risk - one must experience all possible joys and love to the fullest!! Abbie taught me this...among many other things....
My dear sweet Abbie is happy and healthy, free and joyous now in Heaven. I have absolutely NO DOUBT of that. God told me himself, so I don't have to worry. I picture her running and playing, getting to know my cat Cassie, my Aunt Eunice hugging her for me, as well as my Uncle Terry who recently joined them. I try to only remember the love, the snuggles and all the countless wonderful warm memories she shared with me. I am unable to work in her photo album yet, my heart can't take it now, but I have all of her pictures and mementos in a pretty little box, waiting for the day when I can open them up and sift through them happily and without tears. For now, I hold her heart inside mine and I carry her with me wherever I go...
I was unable to let go of her physical body for some time, as I studied her face, memorized each whisker on her muzzle, the curve of her nose, the feel of her soft fur....but I knew she was not really there, she was in perfect peace, able to breathe fully and completely, no struggling at all. She had entered the realm of perfect peace and love, as I was entering a deep black hole of sorrow...missing her beyond comprehension....the pain in my heart crushing and suffocating at the same time.
When my dear sweetness Abbie became an angel, my pain was so deep, I had to constantly push it down, or it would overwhelm me. I am slowly able to let some of it go, release the pain and the sorrow slowly over to the Creator - he will carry the load for me when I cannot. He is the only one who really knows and understands the depth and the sharpness of my pain...he made me and he made my Abbie, he knows all about our hearts and our connection. I do take comfort in this fact. He blessed me with the love of all his animals, and he gave me one of my truest and most beautiful treasured blessings in that little 16 pounds of fur and pure love. She taught me so much about what true and unconditional love really are...
I knew that Abbie would want me to go on and share our love with another homeless pet, to let that love and that joy back into my life when I felt able to do so. The best way to honor her memory and her love is to share that love with another dog that needs it and will expand our hearts and our experience even more. Abbie's love knows no limits, and she can love many many other family members, so I can do it too.
The emptyness was excruciating, the lack of paws clicking on the floor, no warm fur next to my leg, no sparkling eyes peering up at me, almost killed me those first few weeks after Abbie went to Jesus. I knew that I couldn't wait a long time before sharing our home with another sweet soul. I prayed for God and Abbie to bring me whomever needed me and whomever they knew I needed.
When I heard of a sweet girl that needed a home immediately, I went to investigate. I prayed a lot before for guidance and wisdom when meeting her. I felt Abbie was there and welcoming her into our hearts, so she came home with me. Ellie is sweet, cuddly, devoted and smart. She had just turned 4 and rings a bell on the door when she needs to go out. She slipped right into my heart and she lets me talk to her about Abbie and licks my tears when needed. She misses her former family who couldn't take care of her anymore as I mourn my Abbie. I told her right away that I needed her help to heal and she needed my help to heal and feel safe and sound in her new home. We can help each other. I have patience with her fears as she does with my slowly letting Abbie's memory settle into my heart, and coming to terms with our separation until we are reunited someday.
I know Abbie approves of letting more love and more joy into my heart...I know that is what she wants for me. I do find it harder to completely give my heart away, to totally open up and lay my soul bear again to Ellie, as I know the devastation of the pain when she has to leave me. I have to work at letting her completely into my heart, as I did very easily and freely with Abbie. I cannot let my fear of pain keep me from experiencing that true love and true bond with Ellie. But it does not come as easily this time around. One of life's many lessons and just another scar on my heart that I must incorporate into my being.
You can only experience great, momentous, extraordinary LOVE if you also risk the devastating, crushing, horrific pain of LOSS and SORROW. You can't have one without the other. If you love with your whole heart, you also hurt with your whole heart. Some people close that off, the pain is much too great to bear, much too much to risk feeling again, but that is no way to live. To truly live one must risk - one must experience all possible joys and love to the fullest!! Abbie taught me this...among many other things....
My dear sweet Abbie is happy and healthy, free and joyous now in Heaven. I have absolutely NO DOUBT of that. God told me himself, so I don't have to worry. I picture her running and playing, getting to know my cat Cassie, my Aunt Eunice hugging her for me, as well as my Uncle Terry who recently joined them. I try to only remember the love, the snuggles and all the countless wonderful warm memories she shared with me. I am unable to work in her photo album yet, my heart can't take it now, but I have all of her pictures and mementos in a pretty little box, waiting for the day when I can open them up and sift through them happily and without tears. For now, I hold her heart inside mine and I carry her with me wherever I go...
Friday, August 10, 2012
My heart
Ever take note of how many times a day someone asks you how you are doing? When a customer comes in, most of the time they inquire, "How are you?" Usually we automatically say fine. Or ok. Perhaps utter a quick tired. They assume you are fine and sometimes don't even wait for you to say it, you might repeat the question and get the same answer. I guess fine would have been the truth most of the time. Not this week.
When someone asked me how I was this week, I would mutter fine and move the conversation along. Don't look at my eyes, don't notice how I'm trying not to cry every second, or notice how tired I am, how weary of body and soul.
I found out that my dog, my furry soul mate and faithful friend, was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor. It is aggressive, inoperable, and already making it difficult for her to breathe. She has been my beloved and perfect companion for over 12 of the most glorious and beautiful years of my life. She has enriched me in so many ways, added to my joy in countless ways and kept me sane during the roller coaster we call life. No matter what is going on, she keeps me grounded, keeps me anchored to reality.
I may have had the worst day at work, done everything wrong or had an awful day but when I come home I am the most important person in Abbie's world. She loves me the mostest, the greatest and NO MATTER WHAT. I could be having the worst hair day, she doesn't notice, my gut is sticking out and having a particularly chubby fat day and she couldn't care less. I am her mom, her human, her soul mate and she needs me as much as I need her. We are a pair, we are the perfection of human matched to canine.
If I am gone, she won't eat until I get back home to her. She will sleep on my pillow until I walk back in that door. She won't touch her toys or have any fun either until I throw that toy for her to fetch. When she is away from me, I wonder how she is, if she is safe, warm, cozy. I miss her, as my heart is a little bit nervous when she is not right there with me. When I see her again, my heart warms and settles back into my chest with a happy sigh.
I cannot contemplate coming home and she isn't here. I cannot even let myself wonder how I will cope with that gaping hole in my world, my heart, my soul, my being. I know her spirit will ALWAYS be in my heart, with me wherever I am, but I selfishly want her physical body with me as well, I want to reach out and touch her, caress her soft and beautiful coat, feel her tongue caress my fingers, watch her perky ears flop over and feel her poky little feet on my leg as she walks across my leg.
She will be in Heaven, awaiting my arrival, but I will miss her desperately until then. There is NO WAY THAT GOD WOULD ALLOW US TO GET SO ATTACHED TO OUR ANIMALS and NOT let us meet up with them again in Heaven. You also cannot tell me they don't have souls, feelings, and thoughts. Over and over you see them experience life with feeling, meaning and true love. They grieve when they lose a loved one just as we do, they hurt with us when we are in pain, they know evil when they see it. Most of them are far smarter than half the humans I know. She has taught me sooo much. Her wisdom is far beyond mine, her closeness to God greater than most of us.
You cannot tell me they don't love us as much as we love them, perhaps more as they are so pure and innocent. They know the true meaning of selfless and unconditional love. We SAY we will love someone no matter what, but we hold grudges, impose conditions, and harbor unspoken expectations to be met. Abbie does NOT. She will love me unconditionally even I were to hurt her, leave her, or break a promise. She doesn't expect anything of me, nor does she make me live up to certain standards. If I disappoint her, she forgives me as quick as a snuggle and a kiss.
Every day we have together is a precious gift, a bonus dose of love and joy...another memory to treasure in my soul, another picture to store in my mind, to pull out and hold and turn over in my minds eye when the pain is intense, when the ache is raw and unbearable. I want to live in this moment right now, and not worry about the next. This is sooo hard for me. I want to not worry about how many more tomorrows we have together, but I can only hold off these thoughts for so long...
So when someone casually asks how I am, I say fine and choke back the wave of tears I have been holding in for the last hour and soldier on until I can get back home to continue memorizing every little hair on my baby girl's body, the curl of her tail, the gleam in her eyes, the feel of her tongue on my finger, the way her head fits into the crook of my elbow just right...
When we love someone completely and totally, we also hurt completely and totally when they leave us...my Abbie, my heart, my baby....please don't leave me....
When someone asked me how I was this week, I would mutter fine and move the conversation along. Don't look at my eyes, don't notice how I'm trying not to cry every second, or notice how tired I am, how weary of body and soul.
I found out that my dog, my furry soul mate and faithful friend, was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor. It is aggressive, inoperable, and already making it difficult for her to breathe. She has been my beloved and perfect companion for over 12 of the most glorious and beautiful years of my life. She has enriched me in so many ways, added to my joy in countless ways and kept me sane during the roller coaster we call life. No matter what is going on, she keeps me grounded, keeps me anchored to reality.
I may have had the worst day at work, done everything wrong or had an awful day but when I come home I am the most important person in Abbie's world. She loves me the mostest, the greatest and NO MATTER WHAT. I could be having the worst hair day, she doesn't notice, my gut is sticking out and having a particularly chubby fat day and she couldn't care less. I am her mom, her human, her soul mate and she needs me as much as I need her. We are a pair, we are the perfection of human matched to canine.
If I am gone, she won't eat until I get back home to her. She will sleep on my pillow until I walk back in that door. She won't touch her toys or have any fun either until I throw that toy for her to fetch. When she is away from me, I wonder how she is, if she is safe, warm, cozy. I miss her, as my heart is a little bit nervous when she is not right there with me. When I see her again, my heart warms and settles back into my chest with a happy sigh.
I cannot contemplate coming home and she isn't here. I cannot even let myself wonder how I will cope with that gaping hole in my world, my heart, my soul, my being. I know her spirit will ALWAYS be in my heart, with me wherever I am, but I selfishly want her physical body with me as well, I want to reach out and touch her, caress her soft and beautiful coat, feel her tongue caress my fingers, watch her perky ears flop over and feel her poky little feet on my leg as she walks across my leg.
She will be in Heaven, awaiting my arrival, but I will miss her desperately until then. There is NO WAY THAT GOD WOULD ALLOW US TO GET SO ATTACHED TO OUR ANIMALS and NOT let us meet up with them again in Heaven. You also cannot tell me they don't have souls, feelings, and thoughts. Over and over you see them experience life with feeling, meaning and true love. They grieve when they lose a loved one just as we do, they hurt with us when we are in pain, they know evil when they see it. Most of them are far smarter than half the humans I know. She has taught me sooo much. Her wisdom is far beyond mine, her closeness to God greater than most of us.
You cannot tell me they don't love us as much as we love them, perhaps more as they are so pure and innocent. They know the true meaning of selfless and unconditional love. We SAY we will love someone no matter what, but we hold grudges, impose conditions, and harbor unspoken expectations to be met. Abbie does NOT. She will love me unconditionally even I were to hurt her, leave her, or break a promise. She doesn't expect anything of me, nor does she make me live up to certain standards. If I disappoint her, she forgives me as quick as a snuggle and a kiss.
Every day we have together is a precious gift, a bonus dose of love and joy...another memory to treasure in my soul, another picture to store in my mind, to pull out and hold and turn over in my minds eye when the pain is intense, when the ache is raw and unbearable. I want to live in this moment right now, and not worry about the next. This is sooo hard for me. I want to not worry about how many more tomorrows we have together, but I can only hold off these thoughts for so long...
So when someone casually asks how I am, I say fine and choke back the wave of tears I have been holding in for the last hour and soldier on until I can get back home to continue memorizing every little hair on my baby girl's body, the curl of her tail, the gleam in her eyes, the feel of her tongue on my finger, the way her head fits into the crook of my elbow just right...
When we love someone completely and totally, we also hurt completely and totally when they leave us...my Abbie, my heart, my baby....please don't leave me....
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