Friday, August 10, 2012

My heart

Ever take note of how many times a day someone asks you how you are doing?  When a customer comes in, most of the time they inquire, "How are you?"  Usually we automatically say fine.  Or ok.  Perhaps utter a quick tired.  They assume you are fine and sometimes don't even wait for you to say it, you might repeat the question and get the same answer.  I guess fine would have been the truth most of the time.  Not this week.

When someone asked me how I was this week, I would mutter fine and move the conversation along.  Don't look at my eyes, don't notice how I'm trying not to cry every second, or notice how tired I am, how weary of body and soul.

I found out that my dog, my furry soul mate and faithful friend, was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor.  It is aggressive, inoperable, and already making it difficult for her to breathe.  She has been my beloved and perfect companion for over 12 of the most glorious and beautiful years of my life.  She has enriched me in so many ways, added to my joy in countless ways and kept me sane during the roller coaster we call life.  No matter what is going on, she keeps me grounded, keeps me anchored to reality. 

I may have had the worst day at work, done everything wrong or had an awful day but when I come home I am the most important person in Abbie's world.  She loves me the mostest, the greatest and NO MATTER WHAT.  I could be having the worst hair day, she doesn't notice, my gut is sticking out and having a particularly chubby fat day and she couldn't care less.  I am her mom, her human, her soul mate and she needs me as much as I need her.  We are a pair, we are the perfection of human matched to canine. 

If I am gone, she won't eat until I get back home to her.  She will sleep on my pillow until I walk back in that door.  She won't touch her toys or have any fun either until I throw that toy for her to fetch.  When she is away from me, I wonder how she is, if she is safe, warm, cozy.  I miss her, as my heart is a little bit nervous when she is not right there with me.  When I see her again, my heart warms and settles back into my chest with a happy sigh.

I cannot contemplate coming home and she isn't here.  I cannot even let myself wonder how I will cope with that gaping hole in my world, my heart, my soul, my being.  I know her spirit will ALWAYS be in my heart, with me wherever I am, but I selfishly want her physical body with me as well, I want to reach out and touch her, caress her soft and beautiful coat, feel her tongue caress my fingers, watch her perky ears flop over and feel her poky little feet on my leg as she walks across my leg.

She will be in Heaven, awaiting my arrival, but I will miss her desperately until then.  There is NO WAY THAT GOD WOULD ALLOW US TO GET SO ATTACHED TO OUR ANIMALS and NOT let us meet up with them again in Heaven.  You also cannot tell me they don't have souls, feelings, and thoughts.  Over and over you see them experience life with feeling, meaning and true love.  They grieve when they lose a loved one just as we do, they hurt with us when we are in pain, they know evil when they see it.  Most of them are far smarter than half the humans I know.  She has taught me sooo much.  Her wisdom is far beyond mine, her closeness to God greater than most of us.

You cannot tell me they don't love us as much as we love them, perhaps more as they are so pure and innocent.  They know the true meaning of selfless and unconditional love.  We SAY we will love someone no matter what, but we hold grudges, impose conditions, and harbor unspoken expectations to be met.  Abbie does NOT.  She will love me unconditionally even I were to hurt her, leave her, or break a promise.  She doesn't expect anything of me, nor does she make me live up to certain standards.  If I disappoint her, she forgives me as quick as a snuggle and a kiss.

Every day we have together is a precious gift, a bonus dose of love and joy...another memory to treasure in my soul, another picture to store in my mind, to pull out and hold and turn over in my minds eye when the pain is intense, when the ache is raw and unbearable.  I want to live in this moment right now, and not worry about the next.  This is sooo hard for me.  I want to not worry about how many more tomorrows we have together, but I can only hold off these thoughts for so long...

So when someone casually asks how I am, I say fine and choke back the wave of tears I have been holding in for the last hour and soldier on until I can get back home to continue memorizing every little hair on my baby girl's body, the curl of her tail, the gleam in her eyes, the feel of her tongue on my finger, the way her head fits into the crook of my elbow just right...

When we love someone completely and totally, we also hurt completely and totally when they leave Abbie, my heart, my baby....please don't leave me....

Friday, May 18, 2012

Responsible Pet Owner, yea right.

Since its my blog and I can say whatever I want, I'm going to rant a bit about what I wish I could say at work, but since I value my paycheck and stupid people can't be changed, I zip it.

Don't you dare look at me and say you are a responsible pet owner as you are holding your intact female, bulging with puppies waiting to add to the already overpopulation of pets in this world!  I don't care that you insist your pups will find homes, that's not my point.  If those families really want a dog for the right reasons, they can go to the nearest shelter and adopt one that is already out there needing their love and attention.  Don't make more when there are so many dear ones waiting.

Responsible pet owner = someone who spays/neuters their pet.  Someone who keeps said pet up to date every year with the correct vaccinations.  Someone who feeds Fido a healthy, well balanced diet and very little people food (and expensive doesn't always mean quality).  Someone who gives their dog a monthly heartworm preventative and applies a dose of Frontline (not the cheap look alikes in Walmart that don't work) every month to ward off fleas and ticks. Someone who lets Fido exercise and spend quality time with you.  (meaning not in a kennel 23 hrs a day or on a chain in the back yard ignored all day).

Can't afford it?  THEN DON'T HAVE A PET!!!  Don't have time to spend with your pet, playing, walking, hanging out?  THEN DON'T HAVE A PET!!!

"But I deserve it, even if I don't have any money to pay for the proper care of Fido." NO YOU DON'T!!  HAVING A PET IS AN HONOR NOT A RIGHT.  You can't afford to feed a better food than Old Roy, then don't get a pet.  You can pass on those cigarettes or that extra bag of chips if you really want to do right by your dog.  You can't afford to spay her?  Then save up until you can.  Don't get a dog until you have it saved up.  You can put aside even a little every month and save up if you really want to do right by your dog.  Either do it correctly or don't be a pet owner.  If you truly can barely feed and clothe yourself, then this is not the right time to even think about getting or having a dog.  DUH.

I don't care if you have 8-10 dogs, if they are cared for correctly.  If they are all neutered, vaccinated, eating a quality diet, loved and in a good home, go for it.  I'm not saying you shouldn't have more than one, but however many you have you better care for as a responsible pet owner or don't have any.

When you come in and tell me you paid $1000 for your "purebred" Labradoodle....I want to shout at you "What a moron - you paid $1000 for a MUTT!!!  You could go to your nearest shelter and adopt a mutt for $100 and not contribute to the market for designer mutts." Obviously, if there weren't a plethora of idiots out there to buy these overpriced mutts, there wouldn't be a supply of them.  I firmly believe in supply and demand, therefore, if there wasn't a demand, nobody would supply them.  This was a very brilliant use of marketing, when someone accidentally let an unplanned mating occur and wanted to get rid of it for a lot of money even though it was a mix. Ignorant idiots are a dime a dozen out there.

Not an idiot? Then don't pay exorbitant fees for a mix, a mutt, NOT a breed.  Go to the shelter and adopt one that needs you and don't give money to these morons.  Responsible breeders are not morons, but I don't encourage giving them money either.  Please adopt from a shelter and help those animals who need a home and have been waiting so long for your love.  Purebred doen't mean better by any means.  Many of them are overbred and have lots of problems already. 

AND if you don't want to do anything about a problem, then DON'T come in and ask me about it.  Don't ask me what do to when you aren't going to fix it anyway.  Don't waste my time or get my dander up when I see you decide to just let Fido suffer because you don't want to pay for something to fix his problem. 

Ok, I feel a bit better - now I can go another day without blowing my stack at some idiot who thinks she's a responsible pet owner when she clearly is not - I've said my peace cause I know I'lll never change her, she's an idiot.  I can just smile and move on....maybe.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

I can't stand it

So...I love to read...I love to get lost in the drama of a book that sucks you in and curls around your heart...nestles in there and you get to fall in love with it...

I can drown myself and reality in a whole different world and forget about my "normal" routine, my stacks of dirty underwear, my uncooked supper, and my dusty knick knacks...

One of the most wonderful, irreplaceable feelings in the world is to love a book, a story, a group of characters so much that I hate to see more of the pages piling up in my left hand than are awaiting me in my right hand...I'm almost sad anticipating the END, because then I must stop and I can't continue my addiction to this one...also....if its really good, I can't bear to put it down and go to sleep, eat, or you know do basic grooming.

If I'm nose deep in a great novel, the hands on the clock spin without my knowledge and then if I do come up for air, I say to myself "self, just one more chapter, you need to sleep."

Then when I end that chapter I say to myself "self, you can't stop at this place, you have to find out just how this part goes or you will never get to sleep anyway because you can't stop thinking about it and whether Johnny dies or not! I might as well save myself more sleeplessness by just getting by this milestone so I can sleep."

So...after we find out Johnny is deader than a doornail, I have to know who did it....sigh...tangled web...

I have to force myself to put the book down, shut off my brain (that part is pretty easy since the spark plugs can only fuel so much) and go to sleep.  Stay away from the book, do NOT turn that page!!!

So, when I find a particularly riveting book, this is both a blessing and a terrible addition to it can be self-destructive and I lack sleep and sometimes forget to - oh well put on deodorant or brush my teeth or zip my pants cause I'm trying to read some more while getting ready in the morning or stick in a few extra paragraphs while trying to stay alive...with  mundane things such as eating and bathing, breathing...

So, as I am quite tired these last few mornings, I am indeed knee deep in a tale that has sucked me in.  I haven't had one of these in a while so I am trying to pace myself as I don't want it to end...but yet I just have to find out if she gets away from the "bad guy".  So, I gotta cut this short, as my book is burning a hole in my nightstand begging me to pick it up and continue my journey into their lives....these people who aren't real and have no bearing on me whatsoever, except that I have come to care for them. 

I hope Jill didn't kill Johnny cause its SOOO obvious and then I will be MAD cause I totally solved it...sigh...

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Do you have an alibi?

My thoughtful husband is probably regretting his generous birthday gift he gave me this year. Of course, he's probably regretting quite a few decisions he's made regarding me...but anyway...

So, I'm really into mysteries - books, movies, games...nobody would ever play Clue with me growing up because I was a little bit anal about it...kinda - well, maybe obsessive about details and of course I ALWAYS win...and usually lose a few friends along the parents took my board away and looked into 12 step programs for me, but that didn't work out.

I usually delve into my mystery books with quite a bit of relish.  Ok, so doesn't everyone yell out loud to the characters at least sometimes???  I KNOW they can't really hear me (neither can the people on TV, but that doesn't stop me) but I just can't help talking back to them. 

"Are you really that stupid that you would believe Niles was visiting his Aunt on the night in question when he isn't even nice to the dog? Any idiot could tell he was lying and he has a lover, can't you smell her perfume on him???"

"Like he really got that lipstick on his sleeve from brushing up against a fellow passenger on the morning commute?"

"Oh, yea there just HAPPENS to be a secret staircase leading from your room to the conservatory where the murder convenient..."

My husband has been known to run into the room cause I'm screaming at people in my book and it takes him a few minutes to process that I'm just bat crazy talking to imaginary people in my mind.  Often an eye roll and more than a few shakes of the head accompany this realization....hmmm...

So, maybe....perhaps....maybe I kinda get into my stories....a little.

Therefore, when I was discussing murder mystery dinner theaters with our friends a while back and how much fun that sounded like it could be, my dear sweet hubby took note.  For my birthday in February (I turned 25 again) he presented me with some research he had done on some "mystery dinner" games and B & B's that would host a game and then you get a cool room and make it a weekend.  Wow.  I was very impressed!!

So, I plunged into research about what I could find also on the inet.  After much contemplation, I settled on one located in Belluvue Iowa.  Its in a mansion and all the rooms are beautifully decked out (most Victorian style, which I LOVE) and beautiful views of the river.  So, I signed us up for this weekend!! 

When you get there, they give you a character to play, complete with costume (!!) and background on your circumstances and such going into the dinner.  Then you enjoy a 5 or 6 course meal while being able to converse with the other players, gathering evidence and such to solve the murder!!!  I'm so excited I could almost pee my pants....

I have polished up my magnifying glass as well as my monocle (just wouldn't be a proper investigative experience without one) and tried on my trench coat for size.  I got myself a fresh new spiral notepad to fit in my breast pocket, sharpened a pencil and am ready to whip it out and flip it open as I suspiciously eye each new suspect.  I can hastily jot down my observations and circle my "gut" feelings....always go with your gut...

I packed my "DNA for Dummy's" books, my fingerprint analysis kit, and my box of little plastic baggies.  I ordered some truth serum over the inet and I hope it gets here overnight express.  I have a cigar to chew on if I need it to help me think through the possible scenarios as I mull over the evidence and suspect list....Lots of coffee and donuts should be supplied I would hope.

I want to take my stun gun after I get it charged up and of course my handcuffs in case I need to subdue a violent suspect. I won't let any perp get away from me just because I wasn't strong enough to hold him down! James drew the line at getting a gun.  Bummer.

I thought about packing my wigs and my mustaches, but everyone will already not know me, so I don't really have to disguise myself for sly undercover operations.  That just leaves more room for my complete set of Nancy Drew books so I can catch up on my technique in any down time.  Brush up on any pointers she can give me.  Oooh...maybe a few tapes of my Murder, She Wrote shows too....Jessica is my idol, you know.

Maybe I'll be sooo impressive and sooo fast at solving this case that the local police will hear about it and beg me to join their team!  I can see it now, rookie Riehle with a shiny new detective badge, chasing down murderers and throwing the book at them. (I wouldn't really throw a book, that's just disrespectful to a book). I would throw a shoe or something at them....a heel, so it might nick them in the temple or something...but I digress.  First I have to focus on the case set before me on Saturday, and nail that perp!!  I will take him DOWN! (with my stun gun).

Ohhhh another episode of Forensic Files is on, I have to bone up on my research...gonna go....

Respectfully submitted,
Inspector K. A. Riehle