Friday, December 12, 2014

Why I Don't Cook

I'm no Martha Stewart or Rachael Rae, this I will readily admit.  I am barely even ok with boiling water and making a TV dinner, but if I concentrate and work hard, I am able to bake a decent cake and make an occasional batch of cookies. Or I used to anyway.

Well, my very best friend ever Kris Larson is an expert in the art of cooking....especially in making the perfect chocolate chip cookie.  Whenever we go to her house, she always shares with us an endless supply of delicious cookies. I slacked off in ever making them because I don't really enjoy all the work and hers are very near perfection. I knew I could never hope to make any even half as great as hers, so I never really tried to do so.

Well, my husband is quite a fan of her cookies, as am I, and he suggested I make some to refill his cookie tin that he keeps in his truck. Kris had been doing that, but he said he didn't want her to feel like she had to keep doing so. I even had her recipe on file so I thought I could at least try to make some "good" cookies, but of course never try to duplicate perfection.  I was just aiming for something edible, perhaps even enjoyable to the taste buds.

So, I endeavored to make a batch. Its quite a process for me to work up to cooking something...I have to mull it over for a while, make sure I know all the steps, procrastinate for a few hours, and then perhaps start pre-heating the oven.  I finally talked myself into making them and slaved for HOURS in the kitchen, sweat rolling down my face and flour on my shirt, but I powered through.  I remember adding all the ingredients and thinking that the finished dough tasted quite good. I put in the first batch and watched them carefully to make sure they did not burn.

As soon as I got the warm freshly baked goodies out of the oven, I excitedly called my husband into the kitchen to sample a warm cookie.  Keep in mind I never cook and I slaved for hours on these suckers.

His first words and I kid you NOT - "Well, they aren't as good as Kris Larsons."
Followed by - "Was the Crisco you used fresh? They taste kinda stale."

Had I not been so exhausted sitting in my chair across the room from him I would have wacked him in the family jewels. I was too stunned to reply at first. Then I ripped the remaining cookie from his hand and said "Fine, you don't have to eat any more then."

"What? I was being honest. They aren't that bad..." Too late buddy - you screwed it up!!! Keep in mind we have been married for almost 15 years, he's no novice at this relationship stuff, he's not a newlywed or usually a stupid man...but hello...first you compare me to the ultimate example of perfection, then you say they taste stale???  I thought they tasted pretty darn good!!  They smelled great, they looked nice, the chip to dough ratio was spot on and they were moist and not too hard.

Stale as they might have been, that didn't stop him from eating another 6 of them in the am before he went to work.  I took a bowlful to work to see what other people thought of my treats.  I didn't tell them anything at first, just had them all try one and they were RAVING about how moist they were and how I could make them cookies every day!  Then I told them what my husband had said and they almost choked on the cookie. They couldn't believe he'd been so stupid. Stale? Nobody detected any hint of staleness, and they were very tasty and everyone gobbled them up quickly. A few people suggested a few ideas of what to say to my husband when I got home.

Whew!  I just felt better because my co-workers confirmed what I thought already, my cookies were darn good all on their own and he could just kiss my big patootie.

So....when my beloved got home from work I informed him how much everyone loved my cookies and he says "I told you they were good..." I snorted so loud the dog fell off the couch.

"What?" he says. So I relayed to him word for word what he said, it was burned into my brain. He said so, I was being honest. He said he didn't say anything wrong because NOBODY could ever hope to come close to being as good at cookies as Kris Larson and if the Crisco was stale, that was not my fault so I can't be offended.

So he totally didn't even get the point. Sometimes you should just know when to eat the cookie, smile and say how wonderful it tastes. Now if it is something that is inedible, such as a lemon pie I once tried to make long ago (whole nother story right there people) then he would need to say something. Something like this was toxic waste and might kill someone. BUT if the food, such as these lovely cookies were decent, maybe even good, shut up and eat the cookie...take a few more and tell me how great they are buddy.

Why do you even wonder why I never cook???