Bidet Bliss

Last evening, my girls and I went to the movie Cars 2.  (it was very enjoyable although not really geared toward kids, but it was quite an exciting road trip but very exhausting) I thought this was going to be the highlight of my evening, until we went to a restaurant where I had my first bidet experience.  Everyone should get one of these babies.

So, we went to the local Japanese eatery to eat some monkey brains. (side note: no actual monkeys were killed to provide us with this treat, it was stuffed mushrooms but it does trouble me some that someone who named them does know what monkey brains do look like).  Anywho, I remembered the last time my friend and I were there she commented that the toilet seat was warmed.  Hmmm...since then I had regretted not checking this out.

When we were munching, my dining companion went to the bathroom and when she returned she commented on the warm seat as well, so of course I had to scurry in and investigate this phenomenon.  There were a lot of buttons. (notice that the word buttons starts with the word "butt" and these were next to your butt...hmmm...)

I love buttons...they can do so many things.  Well, I think the potty here should have a warning on the door "do not use toilet unless you have your reading glasses on, pushing the wrong button could result in undesired effects."

See there were lots of buttons with tiny print on them.  There was the one that said "bidet". Got it.  There was one that said "massage" and one that said "pulse". Ok you can control the water that way.  There were buttons for the temperature of the water, and the temperature of the seat.  Awesome.  BUTT there was one button that scared me a bit.  If someone of a somewhat more advanced age were to sit on said potty and not have their their readers on, they might not be able to decipher this one and I would hate to have them accidentally push it.  I could read it and my finger stayed as far away from it as it could.  It said "enema." I am NOT kidding.  Who in their right mind would want that service?  Especially in a public restaurant??  I'm a bit worried that some half blind or unsuspecting lady would be all atwitter at the big strip of buttons (as I often am when I encounter a bank of blinking, or glowing buttons just waiting to be pushed) and full of ignorance, push the enema button.  Shudder.

Would we hear a scream from the bathroom?  Or perhaps she just wouldn't be able to rejoin her party for quite a bit of time because she accidentally started a big job that she now is forced to finish??  Ooops, once certain flights are launched, there isn't any returning to the runway till your destination is reached, if you get my drift.  Oh and where was the air filter button?? 

If I hadn't had my friends awaiting me back at my table I might have spent an inordinate amount of time in there.  That thing was awesome.  I only tinkled, and the light spray of warm water on my bum was quite pleasant, but I shudder to wonder how it would perform if I had had to leave a somewhat heavier load.  I am pretty sure that little trickle of water wouldn't do much for the clean up area.  Then there was a button that said "dryer".  This was a nice stream of warm air to dry my netheregions.  This also did not quite do it for me, kinda like those air dryers for your hands, only you can't just give up and wipe your butt on your pants now can you?  Thank goodness they still had good old toilet paper available!  I still did my paperwork despite the high tech drying button.

I did not see any button for music.  I have seen this available on-line when I saw the world's most expensive toilet on yahoo once.  You could program your music preferences into it and then when you were getting the job done your soundtrack would play for you.  Hmmm... interesting.  I would of course need certain ones for number 1 and certain ones for number 2.  Different kinds of inspiration are needed you know.  Although I tend to read while on the porcelain throne.  I have been known to finish whole novels - never say I'm not multi-tasking!  There should be a complete library on the other side - oh I know -  there should be a pop-up nook loaded with a variety of choices.  Oh wait, not in a public restroom.  They don't really want to encourage you to stay that long. 

I wonder if they would notice if I came back every day to take my daily constitutional there....